Friday, July 2, 2010

Killer Moth: The Sequel (BatMoth's Revenge)

OK, first of all, I think some (a freaking LOT) of you missed the humor and sarcasm in my last post. Although I appreciate those of you who took the time to send me information on bats and rabies, the moth in my room was simply a moth. I was joking when I said it was a bat. And for the sake of complete clarity, it was also not really the size of a Buick. Nor was it an alien or a zombie. That was humor. It's what I do. It makes some people laugh. Apparently, it makes others freak out and send me information on bats, rabies, how to catch a bat, and how they make medication for this sort of mental disorder.

Now, to continue my bat (MOTH!) story...

Part Two

Jackson and I stopped off at home after his hockey game to quickly change clothes before going to Austin's baseball game. We were the only ones in the house at the time. Or so we thought. While Jax went to his room to take off his hockey gear, I went to the bathroom to change into jeans so the mosquitoes wouldn't eat my ankles at the game. So, I'm pulling my jeans on when out of nowhere, BAM! The moth flies by! I was very calm, cool, and collected as I screamed and tried to run away. But you can't really run when your pants are around your knees. I fell in a heap on the floor like a huge, half-dressed dork who's afraid of a batmoth. Because, pretty much, I am a huge dork who's afraid of any flying creature.

Since I was too busy trying to pull up my pants, I didn't notice where he went. "NOOOooooooo! I lost him!" I cried. hands outstretched to the heavens. He had waited two days to make a sneak attack on me and it had worked! He caught me with my pants down, so to speak. No, really. And, just as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared without a trace. Again.

"Ok moth, you win this round, but the war isn't over yet. Just you wait!" I threatened out loud to no one in particular while Jackson, who'd just walked into the room, looked at me like I needed psychiatric help.

We went to the baseball game, came home, and resumed our quest for the moth who'd obviously had advanced tactical training.

Aha! Kitchen cabinets! Get the paper towels!!!



I flung a wad of paper towels up toward the ceiling. But when you're 5' 3" and your ceilings are, umm, much taller than that, it's probably not going to be the most effective moth removal system. He flew toward Jackson's head. Jackson, who assures me he did not freak out, did some sort of Matrix-like, bending-over-backwards maneuver as the moth missed grazing his forehead by mere millimeters.



He landed on the wall, stuck out his tongue, and looking me directly in the eye, said, "Bring it!" More crazy paper towel flinging ensued. The moth laughed, mocking me, and took off down the hallway toward the girls' room where he landed...



...right on Justin Bieber's face! "Hi girls. I'm pop sensation, Justin Bieber. Sure you can take a picture of me. I'll just look over my shoulder like this and toss my hair back in a sexy way and smile like what the heck?!!! There's a bug on my face! Eek! Get it off! Get it off! Oh for the love of all that is holy, get this satanic batbug OFF MY FACE!"



Lexi, my sweet little nine-year-old, fed up with all of us at this point, grabs a paper towel and squishes the bug right on Justin's face. SMACK!



"Do you have him? Is he dead? Are you sure? Look again? Okay, now squish him again for good measure. Whew!" It's nice I have a sweet princess of a nine-year-old girl to take care of big manly jobs like this for me, huh?

So, all is well, that ends well. The moth was dead. Jackson could stop hiding under the couch, er um, I mean, looking for his drumsticks under the couch. I could stop sleeping under the covers for fear of bat droppings, and Lexi, well, I'm not sure she'll look at Justin Bieber the same way again. A couple hours later, I went to my room to chat with a friend online. A few minutes into our chat, Savannah whipped open my bedroom door, letting it slam into the wall. "I thought you said the moth was dead! He's in my room!" she said disgustedly.

"He is dead! I saw him! Or he was dead anyway... Oh! My! Gosh! There really is such a thing as a zombie bat-moth! Run for your lives, kids! He'll eat your brains!"

Okay, I didn't really say that. Everyone knows zombies don't eat brains.

Savannah caught the moth in a cup.



She put another glass on top of the first one. I thought she was going to make a martini out of the moth, but she explained it was just so I could get a better picture to show you so you'll all know what an idiot I am for freaking out over an average sized moth. (I still say it's huge. These pictures are deceiving.)



Then she did the unthinkable. She relocated him outside! As I sit here typing, I hear him knocking on my window in a menacing way. He'll be back. He'll be back and he won't be taking any prisoners.

*************************************
Edited to add - Yes, yes, I know. I've been told that the bat didn't, in fact, land on Justin Bieber's face. I guess it was Logan Lerman, whoever that is. All those teen stars look alike to me. Sorry.

43 comments:

Cindy said...

Dawn, you really should be writing sitcoms, or, come to think of it, horror movies! ;-)

Thanks for putting a smile in this day for me. (And, by the way, moths are just butterflies, you know that, right?)

Love from Holland,
Cindy

TwinsanityMom said...

This is hilarious!!! I probably would have been doing the same thing too! And we are getting ready to head to the in-laws in the country...can you say BUG heaven (errr, I mean bat) :)ha!

Lesley said...

Well if its of any use I understand your humour! Probably because my own is very similar!

Anyhow, I also work from home and we are having a heatwave in the UK right now. So early evening I sit in my study with the fan on (UK peeps dont usually have the luxury of aircon), and the windows wide open.

By 10 p.m. I am being dive-bombed by mozzies, moths, and those flying daddy longlegs type thingies (do you have those in the USA?).

I dont like chemical sprays as they affect me too, soooo in desperation the other night I grapped a room freshener spray and zapped them with it. It works! At least they die smelling fragrant!

La Bella Baskets said...

First of all, I knew it wasn't a bat all along. Second, I don't think that looks like Justin Bieber at all. Third, that's a pretty big moth on that guy's face!

Robin said...

The worst thing about flying creatures is that most of them fly in erratic patterns. You never know where to go to get out their way!
While on vacation recently there were bats (REAL BATS) that liked to swoop down to eat the bugs close to the water...the very same water we were sitting near. I DO NOT LIKE BATS! I tried to cover my head (and protecting my neck from the blood sucking vampire bats) =) by pulling the hood up on my sweatshirt. I just couldn't make myself sit there with bats swooping all around. I ran inside while the family laughed and rolled their eyes at me!

Anonymous said...

OMG! That's so funny! Thanks for sharing!

Erin T. said...

I'm not freaked out by moths but show me a spider and I'll show you a housefull of females who scream like schoolgirls when a spider makes an apperance...

Good thing you have Lexi and Savannah to save you from the bugs!

Laila and Minchie said...

Oh, Dawn, LOVED this story! I too was dealing with a batmoth this week but my wonderful kitties came to my rescue and got him. Don't know if his dead carcus is laying somewhere or in one of their little tummies.

Peggy

Merany :) said...

You are hysterical. I found your first story, well, hysterical. I knew you were kidding and I love your exaggeration! :) It makes your blog. Thanks for sharing your crazy stories. I admire you.

Jill said...

Too funny! I've had these same moments in my house as well! One day we had a snake curled up in our foyer...no clue how it got there! LOL Needlees to say we called my husband in to remove him so I could peel myself away from my banister! LOL Thanks for making me smile! Have a great day!

Nicki said...

oh dear.
- nicki
p.s. it does look huge!

pmerry said...

I completely understand about the moth---especially considering the circumstances and the early hour. I have a teenager that stays up until about three am lately, and being sleep-deprived, I'm sure I would react in much the same way should such a fearsome creature brush my arm in the wee hours. Thank goodness, the creatures have been caught!

Amanda said...

That totally looks like a bat to me! ;-) *shiver*

Shelley said...

I'm just thankful she didn't squish him on Taylor Lautner. That right there would be pretty close to the definition of a tragedy.

Bekah said...

Just so you know...that poster is not Justin Bieber, I even asked my 8 year old to confirm. It's okay though, when a HUGE ZOMBIE bat is on his face, all pop stars look the same! :-)

Kelly R. said...

LOVE the bat-moth stories. You could write an entire book about your fear of bugs. Too funny.

Knitty said...

Almost as funny as this whole saga is that some people don't get the intended humor via exaggeration.

Now if you would only remember to wear kick-butt knee length high heeled boots and extra wide cuff bracelets a la Wonder Woman, you wouldn't have this problem. Any EPW (estrogen packing woman)or in my case, former EP but still W, knows that Wonder Woman can beat the tights off bat men (and moths) without mussing up her coif.

misssrobin said...

Wow. Did you offend a gypsy or something? Tick of the moth gods?

Maybe there's some sort of offering or ritual you can do to lift the curse. Is there such a thing as an entomological witch doctor?

Check google. You can find anything on google.

Cinderella (aka Kristin) said...

This was probably one of my favorite posts in a long time. I'm psycho that way too. And it's a guarantee that if there's something in your room, it will land on you at night. Why wouldn't it? That was awesome.

Shari H said...

LMBO oh this is just too funny!!! I love reading about the bat moth. I would've acted exactly as you would've!!!!! I say if he gets back in make the flame thrower and KILL the sucker!!!!! It is huge!!!!!

jdb in AZ said...

When I was a counselor at girls' camp I was reading a bed time story to the little darlins -- anything to get them to settle down! and a June bug was attracted to my flashlight and flew down the neckline of my jammies. The girls (and I) didn't settle down for quite awhile after that.

DeeAnne said...

Note to self: Do NOT let Dawn out after dark the next time she comes to SoCal. The hand sized moths will drive her over the edge!

Winona said...

CRAZY story. And I thought I did some grade-A freakouts with spiders.

And... I am 100% ASHAMED to admit this, but the teen-mag pinup isn't of Justin Bieber. I recognize the kid - I think he was on Jack and Bobby on the CW... but it's definitely not Bieber. (Why do I know this?!?!??!!)

Emily said...

Dawn, once again you have me doubled over, choking on my own laughter. :) Love your blog!

@Lesley-
those daddy long legs-looking flying things are called "crane flies." And yes, we do have them in the states... in fact, they are all over the place here on the north Oregon coast. My cat loves to catch them. :)

Marjorie said...

I would have freaked out too! Moths are not the same as butterflies, because most moths have teeth. How else could they eat clothes? I'm afraid of all insects except butterflies. I'm also afraid of all arachnids. I know, I'm probably the biggest wimp ever.

Michelle Faith said...

I get that all the time...people don't get my humor and comment things like "I'm so sorry about that..things will get better soon"
or "I hope your son grows out of that soon"
Like I really thing my kids a pig or that my daughters diaper makes her butt look huge.
As always you crack me up and I get your humor!

JennyF said...

Thanks for an awesome laugh, Dawn! I agree, I think the thing is the size of a Buick. Keep on writing!

Jen said...

ROFL!!! You're hilarious, girl. I'm glad you're feeling better. At least, I hope you are. :P :D

Anonymous said...

I would've done the same thing that you did! My 13 year old daughter has done the same thing that Savannah did - she won't kill a bug, she'll capture it and then let it go outside. How did we manage to raise such bug-loving daughters??? ;o)

Donna in PA :)

nutralady2001 said...

Dawn I will make the crazy assumption that people who really thought you were talking about a bat are new'ish readers who have been with you as long as some of us have LOL.

Don't comment as much as I used to but still read every word.You are doing an amazing job. Much love xxx

Anonymous said...

Your so funny Dawn! The other day I was sitting outside at my patio table and saw a huge moth's shadow on the top of my umbrella. Then it moved rather quickly. Upon further inspection it Was A Bat! This was in the middle of the afternoon. I ran for my camera but he flew away. I think he headed south towards your house ;) Kristine in Michigan.

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

I love it!! Some people just don't get your humor. I love it!! It really helps after the two days I've just had. Er visit, 3 hrs sleep over a 48 hr span. I'm about to loose my mind, and then BAM!! another "bat" story. Thanks again.

nutralady2001 said...

Hmm I meant who HAVEN'T been with you as long as some us have.

PS I didn't think it was Justin Bieber either ...don't ask me who it is though.how did I know it wasn't JB when I'm 62 years old? Because you would have had to be blind, deaf and in solitary confinement to miss him when he came to Australia they almost had to call in the S.W.A.T team!

LauraG said...

You are a master writer!

And of course you knew it wasn't Justin B; just checkin' to see how many people would notice, right? If only Logan knew...

Que said...

This just gets funnier and funnier! It's a moth. It's sort of a moth. This is a real moth worth of such fright.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bhoWfC1L9k

Michelle said...

Having been raised by an Orkin man, I usually don't have a problem with bugs of any kind. I thought your story of the batMoth was hilarious. I applaud both your daughters for standing up to the big bad bug that was terrifying you. At least you know who to call if any more show up in the house. :)

LauraLee said...

I'd take a moth any day over these ugly house centipedes or whatever they are! They creep me out! Have you ever SEEN one of those things? It's like they stop in their tracks if you turn on a light. Like, "I won't move and she won't see me." Yeah, I won't see this three inch freakish looking INSECT on my WALL when I turn on a light. And then if you make a move toward it, it moves with lightening speed. UGH! I am at this very moment washing five winter coats because I was chasing one of these things all over the basement with insect spray. Didn't catch it, but drenched the coats (that hang down there, because we live in an old house, with no coat closet, and five people, and and and . . .). *sigh*

Ann said...

Haha that post was pretty funny! I don't know what's more amusing, the fact your daughters killed it or the fact that bloggers took you seriously!

Also, your Justin Beiber actually happens to be Zac Efron...

Tinagsmarykay said...

omg! My sides are killing me from laughing and i spit coffee out on the laptop LOL I dothe same things!! I hate flying things...errr any insect...usually i use the wand from the vacuum while my boys stand there laughing at me not protecting me

Marly said...

You should see me when any bug gets into my house. I am on the hunt until they are dead! With ants I walk around with the vacuum hose. Fly's or moths, I keep a towel in my hands and I snap them! Any sort of spider or bee I'm there with my handy bottle ready to kill them! That's what they get for getting in my house. My husband thinks I'm a freak :)

Anonymous said...

I could have sworn that was Zac Efron from high school musical, until I saw "Logan" written on the bottom. Who the heck is Logan?

Monica said...

My 8 year old daughter is summoned for any and all spiders found in my house. She takes care of them (kills em) forthwith. She had two older brothers. She's the Spider Eliminator, and has been since she was 4. Go Girls!

Lyuda said...

I think the bat/moth story is the funniest yet...thanks for the laughs.

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