Monday, February 4, 2008

But I Didn't Pee my Pants. Really.

I met my friend Gin at the gym this evening. My plan was to walk around the indoor track for two hours. What the crap was I thinking??? TWO hours?! OK, the most strenuous thing I've done in the past eight years is blow my nose. After I had my third baby, I started doing step aerobics five times a week. I lost a ton of weight, I looked good, and I felt great. In fact, I turned into one of those sickening people who actually liked to exercise. I looked forward to my workout and I felt sad if I missed it. How sadistic is that?! Now I'm once again struggling to add exercise to my daily routine of cleaning spilled milk off the kitchen floor, changing toxic diapers, fishing the ice pack out of the toilet (don't ask), and trying to get marker stains out of clothes.

So, finally, I got up the energy to meet my friend at the walking track. I got to the gym and drove around for half an hour looking for the closest parking place because why should I get exercise walking from my car when I could pay the gym to let me walk around inside their building? I found a nice close space next to a snow bank the size of Mt. Everest.

I didn't realize that when Gin said, "Let's walk" that it really meant, "Let's run as if we're being chased by chainsaw wielding madmen." Oh. My. Gosh. Seriously. She's running along, not even breaking a sweat and then there's me with my stubby little legs working double time to catch up to my friend who is like 7 feet tall. I'm lumbering along, looking like the full grown mountain troll in Harry Potter, drool forming at the corner of my mouth, sweat pouring down my face, and my legs protesting the cruel and unusual punishment.

Not only was Gin running, but she was TALKING! I wasn't even able to gulp enough oxygen to support breathing, let alone TALKING. Seriously, she's easily conversing about this and that and I'm making these guttural grunts in response. Somewhere around the 400th lap I had a heart attack. At least I think I did. I'm pretty sure it was the big one.

Who ever said that exercise was good for you?! Repeat after me - exercise is evil. Pure, unadulterated evil.

I had to borrow a couple of big muscley guys from the work-out room to carry me out to my car. OK, so I didn't really, but this is my story and I'll tell it how I want.

I had decided to stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up chocolate a few things until I got out to my car and had second thoughts about that plan. Remember when I just had to get the nice close parking spot? The one next to Mt. Everest? Well, I had managed to get out of my car without any problems, but (perhaps because my legs had turned to Jello from walking) for some reason, I had a hard time squeezing between my door and the snow bank to get in my van. I grabbed onto the handle and opened the door and in slow motion, looking like an episode of I Love Lucy, the door swung open, me still hanging onto the handle, falling back, back, woah, down, down, splat! And let me explain something here. After getting a good foot of snow dumped on us, today was 40 degrees and snow was melting, causing rivers of slush everywhere. I fell, not in an ordinary snow bank, but one of wet, slushy, putrescence.

I stood up and immediately took inventory of the damage. Was anyone watching me who will now think that I drink heavily when I work out? No. Did I hurt anything? No. Is my butt wet? Oh yes! It had to have looked like I'd just wet my pants. Now I admit, after having 6 kids, that I don't have the best bladder control in the world, but this was just ridiculous. I decided to just drive straight home instead of stopping at the grocery store. Then I remembered how much I really needed to get chocolate a few things, so I decided to brave it. I mean, how many people could possibly be at the grocery store at 9:00 on a Monday night?

For the first time in my life, I wished that I had my kids with me at the store so they could provide a distraction. If they were with me, people would be staring at them and not my wet behind. I walked in, and convinced that the lady in the produce section was not actually looking at bananas, but at my apparent lack of bladder control, I quickly removed my thick winter coat and tied the arms around my waist, trying to cover my butt because clearly, walking around a grocery store with a frippin parka wrapped around my waist was a better, more inconspicuous look than a little imperceptible dampness on the seat of my jeans.

And to top it all off - I have a blister on my little toe and I'm quite certain I'll need the jaws of life to extract me from my bed in the morning.



P.S. Thank you to Mary Beth Adomaitis who wrote a really nice article about me on Love to Know - social networking. You can read it here.

70 comments:

Cheryl said...

Hilarious, Dawn! Good for you for getting out there and getting started. Keep it up, it will all come back to you, and in no time you'll be hooked on exercising again! (From a 52 year old fat woman who now jogs every morning!)
:-)

Manic Mom said...

Great article! And is that the photo from the photo shoot--very nice!!

jennyonthespot said...

I'm sorry to laugh.

No, I'm not. I'm glad I'm not alone in public humiliation :)

Sleeping Mommy led me here, and I'm so glad she did. Hope you got out of bed OK :)

Room 3 said...

Well done. You did better than me (still trying to convince myself to start the exercise). You decided to exercise. Made the effort to get yourself out of the house, into the car, drove to the gym, did your exercise (all without the support of chocolate!!!) And boy did you earn that chocolate. What is the point of exercise without the reward chocolate at the end of it? Am so tired today that I will just count typing on the keyboard as my exercise (does that earn me chocolate??)

plainprecious said...

First of all I appauld you for even attempting the walking for 2 hours. I can totally relate to the stubby legs thats me totally. I am 5 foot 2 and most of that is torso. Plus the fact that they (legs) are pudgy and my thighs rub together makes it even worse. Try wearing corduroy sounds like sandpaper chasing me.

My question is are you going to attempt this again?

I made a vow to walk on the treadmill everyday. Well I started out fine and dandy then my 3 and 4 year olds realized that if you throw toys on treadmill mom has to dodge them plus they get flung off the back of it an added bonus!!!!! Needless to say I havent walked on the dang thing in about 2 weeks. I am trying to figure out a way to distract the boys so they dont kill me.

Anonymous said...

It struck me as I was reading the sentence, "OK, so I didn't really, but this is my story and I'll tell it how I want," that that is the reason why so many people love your blog. You have such a knack for seeing the humor in everyday situations. Thanks for making me laugh.

Sharon said...

Oh GAWD Dawn! You had me ready to pee my pants, I was laughing so hard at you. Thankfully out here in California I don't have to deal with the snow, but I was born and raised in Gary, so I understand your pain!!!!!

Bear Bites said...

I could do a whole blog entry on bladder control. If you think it is bad now, wait 20 years! Time is never our friend - on any battle front! I also have a few embarrassing snow banks in my past!

shandra said...

how do you workout/walk in jeans? that's too constricting. maybe you should try something w/ a little more leg room. :)

Rick said...

Just walk over to the produce section and grab one of those hoses that they use to keep the veggies nice and moist. Spray yourself down real good and then scream out good and loud, so that the WHOLE store can hear you, "I can't believe it! That hose just shot water all over me!"

That would have given a reasonable explanation as to why your unmentionables were all wet.

Worked for me - only in my case I actually did pee on myself.

http://organizeddoodles.blogspot.com/

Franzi said...

Dawn, you go girl! that was the first work out, the next one will be (ok, i admit it) equally hard, if not harder. but you showed yourself that you can do this before! just gotta repeat it!

i never made it to the "i like to work out" stage. dragged myself there for the fun of meeting friends and laughing during group exercises. oh well...trying to think about the last time i saw a gym from the inside....

Tonye said...

OMG!! I laughed so hard.. My stomach hurts and I cried. My husband thinks I'm out of my mind.. Thanks for lift to my spirit!!!

Christy said...

Dawn,
I really needed to read that post. I laughed out loud and now I can go to bed a little more relaxed and maybe even be able to sleep (it is 1:15am here).
I know exactly what you mean about falling in a snowbank and looking like you just wet your pants. Happens to me here in upstate New York too.
Thanks,
Christy
PS - you inspired me to blog too
http://adventuresfive.blogspot.com

BoufMom9 said...

Is it wrong that I'm laughing at you falling in the wet snow? There is just something so funny about people falling, isn't there?
Love too that the first thing you worried about was not that you may be hurt, but that you may be seen. LOL (it's 'cos you know! haha)

Becky said...

That was SO funny, Dawn! I love that I can read your blog and laugh out loud until my family comes in and wants to know what's so funny!

I had a similar thing happen just tonight, only I was going into Michaels Crafts, and had a little comedy of errors just beforehand. When I turned into my parking spot abruptly and my son (riding shotgun) smooshed up against the fast food cup of OJ in the console, spraying it out onto my seat and leg. Auuugh!

Heidi said...

LOL!! You are too funny! Hope you enjoyed your chocolate (you earned it!). :)

Me, Myself and I said...

Dawn you have the best way of putting things!! I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! Thank you sooo much for the laughter. I have had one of the worst months so far (ok, since Jan 1st does that count for a month?)and you have really helped me put things into perspective.

Thanks again!!
Rhonda

Kristy said...

lol you had a wild day. good for you for getting out and exercising! i'm sorry you fell, good thing you didnt break anything!

Sue said...

I am feeling a little guilty sitting here with my bowl of M&Ms....just kidding. Good for you to get out and walk and I love that you parked close to the door!
Great article/interview!

Anonymous said...

STOP! STOP! STOP! I'm laughing so hard that you're going to make wet my pants. I've had six kids too and the bladder control thing - it's not so good.

I love you!

Keep writing forever! Okay! Please!

:)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Thank goodness I live in a townhouse with the laundry in the basement. I call it my built-in stairstepper. One of these days I'm going to count how many times I run up and down those 2 flights of stairs.

Krys72599 said...

Thanks a lot.
Now I have to clean coffee off my keyboard!
I spit it out all over at the picture in my head of you falling into the pile'o'snow and then tying your parka around your waist...
Love your blog! Will most definitely be buying your book!

Brenda said...

ROFLOL! LOVE IT!

Meg said...

LMAO! I just spit coffee all over my monitor! Hope the chocolate tasted good, and I hope that you can move this morning. Hold on were to get another 12inches!!
(Psst..good excuse not to go to the gym today)

colleenv218 said...

I laugh because I do things like this all the time.

Did you ever go to one of your prenatal check-ups and when putting your urine sample in the little cabinet in the wall for such things, hit the lip of the door instead, spilling pee inside the little cabinet, down the wall and all over the floor, not leaving enough in the container for whatever tests they do with your pee? I did.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn,
Very nice article - and a great photo!

I have to tell you I think of you every day when I get into my car... The car STINKS - and I can't figure out what it is.... I keep thinking of the things you've found in your house... oh I can't wait for the day to figure out what this STINK is!!!! LOL

Any ideas??? Where is it hiding? I've cleaned all the crap out of the car - it took a huge box... all the art projects from toddler group and pre-school, old snack bags etc. but I haven't found the source for the bad STINK!!!!

So tell us about or show us a photo of the floor of your car!!!! LOL

Pam (Seattle)

Sarah R said...

Hey, at least you exercised. The most amount of movement I accomplished yesterday was raising half a bag's worth of Doritos into my mouth and chewing.

Chris P said...

That was my friend Jenny & me when we first started working out - I'm the one with the short stubby legs. It took 3 laps around the track to decide it was better to be side by side on treadmills where we could each walk (or run) at our own pace & still have our conversation. (Let's be honest, that's why we go - for the socializing - ok for the gossip...)

Thanks for brightening my days!

Sarah said...

ROFL!! Ok, I'm sorry for laughing at your pain, Dawn, but thank you for sharing : )

I just stopped by organized doodles... The photo of you that Rick posted in his Jan. 18th entry is very nice! And here I thought you were still waiting to get your pictures back : ) You probably already know, but you're one of the nicest, most considerate people in the blogging world : ) Thanks for being you & sharing your talents with all of us.

I am Trish Marie said...

I am one of those people who loves to workout. But only because nobody talks to me, screams "Mommy" forty times in a row, asks me to fix them a snack, or subjects me to Hannah Montanna music for one glorious hour. Oh how I love the gym.

Amy said...

It's nice knowing there's someone else dealing with wet snow butt. My son was in tears this morning over his.

At the risk of sounding too much like a cheerleader...Keep up the walking! I wrote awhile back that I was trying at least 20 of exercise a day in 10 minute chunks. The theory is my metabolism is in the toilet after having my babies, and spreading out the exercise gets my metabolism going. At first I was really skeptical, but it has actually worked for me. I've lost 10 lbs in a month! I still need to lose 30 to get to a healthy weight, but I tried for a year to lose by just cutting calories/fat and manged to gain.

Anonymous said...

I really tried to not laugh out loud at you falling in the snow....

Proud of you for going to the gym--I always figure vacuuming the house a few times a week counts as exercise. And lifting loads of laundry--there's my strength training!

Hannah said...

Good work Dawn! ^-^ My self I love the gym, it gives me an hour or two of not having to hear screaming or baby language from my 4 month old. I know everyone says to enjoy this stage, but I’d love to be able to know right off the bat what he’s saying. As for the work out, keep it up, it does get better. I’d say try the elliptical (sp) as they don’t hurt your knees so much, more of a bouncy effect. My own trick is to exercise during the weekdays and eat what ever I please during the weekends.

Monica said...

Great post. I love gym humor. There is so much of it. Thanks for the laugh today.

My Semblance of Sanity said...

Had. Bladder. Control. Issues. Just. Freakin'. Trying. To. Read. THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Semblance of Sanity said...

BTW...LOVE the picture on the networking article!

You is one hot momma!

Anonymous said...

Yay, Dawn for exercising! But ummm 2 hours? Seriously? Start slow, lady! And how cruel of your friend to show off how superiorly fit she is ;) I tend to avoid friends more fit than I am ... and definitely wouldn't dream of working out with them. My workout right now consists of: push the shovel, lift, and toss. I have a feeling I'll be doing it again tonight and tomorrow am. 3:40 and already an inch on the ground.

And yes, I had to laugh at the rest of the post. Shame on karma!

And Happy Packzi Day everyone (mmmm, packzis!)

Michelle

The Montee's said...

this is just too funny. that is all...

Jkhb said...

Dawn, maybe they just think your taking Alli!? LOL Your great to be able to laugh at yourself.

Char said...

And this is why I don't exercise!

Grandmother Goddess of the Garden said...

Great article! Congratulations! I especially loved this reply "And most of all, it’s OK to be an imperfect parent who loves her kids but sometimes finds it hard to make it through the day without curling up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, and muttering in incoherent syllables." Being "older" I often remind my daughter of this in her struggles with four teenagers under one roof. I so enjoyed reading this post and all the comments! Good things will come your way! Thanks!

Maureen said...

I tried an exercise class for the first time at the Y today (after several years of walking-while-reading-a magazine on the treadmill). Anyway, I realized my bladder control wasn't so good when the instructor made us do jumping jacks. Haven't tried those since having 3 kids--had to run out for a bathroom bread ASAP!

roseys madhouse said...

what were you thinking???? I mean you dont jump into exercise like that so quickly I mean isnt walking around the house enough exercise, bending over to pick up the one of thousands of things on the floor, making seven beds, doing two loads of washing and hanging it out to dry? I have just started a diet and I have just weined myself back into exercise and let me tell you I am not enjoying it......yet. I am waiting for the rain to stop so I can go for a walk again.
Ok I have to ask how is it you went to the gym (Im guessing the kids are in school while your at the gym) and then to the grocey store at by 9? Is this 9am? If it is then what time do the kids go to school?

Stacey said...

LMBO! I can so see that happening to me. I'm a major klutz, and I'm pretty certain that Murphy follows me wherever I go!

So...think you'll attempt the gym again?

Karen said...

I feel your pain. I joined the gym last week and my body is still wondering what on earth it did to deserve this kind of treatment.

Dejastar said...

Thanks Dawn for the laugh! I so needed it, I gave myself a headache. That is my worst fear is falling in IL created Mt. Everest snow piles, so hence, I stay my butt inside!

mommeeof9 said...

Exercise is evil! I haven't exercised since I ETS'd from the army in 1989. Maybe thats why I weigh 40 pounds more than I did before kids?

I will walk in Shenandoah National Park or play with the kids on the playground, but to run, or do any scheduled intense exercise, is not for me.

Bubba's Sis said...

I don't usually comment here because - gosh - you get so many how could you possibly even get to mine?? But this was just hilarious and I just wanted you to know that you made me laugh today. And I really needed it. Thank you! LOVE your blog!

Anonymous said...

Loved the article! It was was very well written. Can't wait for the book!

Donna said...

If you had gotten the muscley guys from the gym to carry you out to your car then maybe you could have gotten them to shovel Mt.Everest out of your way so that your car door could swing wide enough to allow them to gingerly seat you in your car like the blog queen you are!
Oh and if I had the choice of people I don't know thinking I peed on myself or wrapping anything around my waist I think I'd go for the possible pee situation. Just be sure the grocery store you choose at that moment is not the one where you know every other person. If that's possible in your kingdom.

Karla said...

Hey, I remember that show - Sanford and Son, right? I watched it every day for 2 weeks as a kid, stuck in bed with my sister, both of us covered in poison ivy.

But anyway, thanks for the laughs, as always (and Rick, thanks for sharing!)

Nice article, too. (You are too a celebrity =D)
KR

lowchic said...

Hah! I just had to laugh reading this. I usually just read, but felt I needed to give you a little laugh too. My younger sister started working out last summer at the gym. After overdoing it a little, she was attempting to walk up the stairs at her house and couldn't !! lol She literaly had to drag herself up by the hand railing ! Hope you don't feel that way in the morning .

melech said...

I was just looking at the new photo of you on the other lady's BLOG...and you surely DON'T LOOK 37...Maybe 28.
Really!! But, I wanted to ask briefly: You mention how you put up a few ads on your site...How does that work? Do YOU select the companies OR do they approach you to ask permission? How would you know what to charge them? I suppose IF you are ever stuck for something to write about, you could always trot out my questions about ADS.
Thanks for another Day O' Smiles!!

Sonya said...

Thanks Dawn!!! I just woke up my son by laughing out loud and you know what.... I DID just pee my pants! Good thing it is dark and nobody could see before I had the chance to change! :) LOL!! Thanks for the great post!

FUN-ky Mama said...

OK, the Sanford & Son pic cracked me up!
Elizabeth, I'm comin to join ya!

Anonymous said...

Dawn,

I saw that you mentioned trying to get marker stains out of clothes. Do you have a good way to get it out? I have tried with the so-called washable markers and they are still on the clothes. Of course, my son is at school when using these markers so he might not be using the markers that are supposed to wash out.

Thanks!
Anita in Indiana

Sarah said...

Okay Dawn. You've made me laugh every day since I discovered your blog, but now you finally owe me a new laptop. I laughed so hard at this post that I spewed Milk Duds all over! Thanks a lot! :)
I can laugh at this because I live in Iowa and just last week, I wiped out on the sidewalk while trying to walk my dog. I landed on my side and couldn't get up. So I just laid there spinning around in a circle till I got some traction.
Yay Winter! :)

Mary Poppins in MI said...

I think my life is beginning to revolve around your blog. I check it every night before i go to bed and if there is no new post, i check it as soon as i wake up to see if maybe you posted after my bedtime. Of course, my day is ruined if you don't post. And now I'm freaking out that you're going to spot every single typo/grammatical error in this comment and possibly analyze my mistakes for the world. Thanks Dawn, thanks.

ummmhello said...

I'm sorry to laugh (okay, maybe I'm not) but this sort of thing happens to me all the time! And as much as I hate to work out, and I REALLY hate it, honest, it'll get easier. Especially the running. Would I lie to you?

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn, Have you ever tried water arobics? It's really fun and easy on your bones and muscles. Also makes you sleep really well after. My girlfriend and I would meet in the evenigs. That worked for a week or two then we would meet and skip on over to the bar for munchies. Kristine in Michigan.

Susan said...

Anyone with children doesn't even NEED to ask about the ice pack in the toilet. That's why the child proof toilet lid locks were invented...for children like yours AND mine. I miss actually "wanting" to exercise. Good Luck!!

Johane said...

Seriously, woman, you've got to put a medical warning on your blog during cold season! I very nearly chocked on a coughing fit as I laughed while reading your blog. [s]I was laughing [i]at[/i] what happened,[/s] I so easily recognized what you were talking about and have lived it myself... very [s]embarrasing[/s] cartoonish. Luckily, you could get the [s]chocolate[/s] supplies you [s]wanted[/s] needed. ;)

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I'm not laughing (snort) at you, (snort) really, I'm (snort) laughing with (snort) you! BAHHHAAAAAAA. Sorry.

Kimmykay said...

I swear we should just loose weight just watching our kids! With 5 I should be a skinny minny but no....

Does it count that I read your blog... does that count as exercise???

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Well, since you posted on Monday and it's now Wednesday I think you either:

Cannot get out of bed and are having your meals, the laundry and children delivered to your bedside.

Have so much melted chocolate on your fingers that you cannot possible type.

Or...you have turned into one of those "gym mommas." You know the type. Cute little gym clothes. Hair all pulled up in a scrunchie to avoid the sweat from the workout and yet the hair looks like it's just been done by a stylist.

Which is it?

Working Dad said...

Funny stuff I was just posting on my blog Friday about starting back to the gym. It hurt me to type the next day.

AlaneM said...

That was hil-FREAKIN-larious!!! Thanks for making my day, yoo rock baby :)

Leah said...

I nearly choked on my glass of water when I read the bit about running like a chainsaw wielding madman was after you! ROFL!!!

I wish I had a friend with time and energy enough to want to help me whip my butt (and the rest of me) into shape! LOl

The Boyds Family said...

I remember those days....working out. Funny how it takes so long for us to get into the comfortable routine of working out but it only takes one week to fall off that wagon and never get back on. Maybe one day.....

korkie said...

Damn!! ..... Another pair of undies and jeans to wash. I really should be closer my bathroom before reading one of your 'Whatahellevaday' days.

Did you at least remember all the things chocolate you had to pick up at the grocers?

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