Wednesday, September 30, 2020

I Do It For The Comments

I started blogging back in 2007. At the time, I used my blog as an outlet for all the crazy shenanigans my kids pulled so I didn't lose my mind and run away from home. I used it encourage other parents in the trenches. I was hoping in time that it might become a source of income to help my family of 8 financially. While I was writing, encouraging other parents and letting them know they weren't alone, the strangest thing happened. The comments they left for me on my posts encouraged me! I found myself eagerly devouring every word that my readers left for me. It somehow validated what I was doing.

And then there are these kinds of comments. 


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How did you know? I AM going for most excellent contents!

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But what? What else? Don’t leave me hanging like this!

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I’m still trying to figure out what night ability is.

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Yes! I’m so happy you think I have a few good stuff here! I’ve been working really hard to bring a few good stuff to my readers.

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Do you understand that this post was about Monopoly retiring a game piece? So let me get this straight – your previous roommate constantly talked about the dog playing piece in the Monopoly game? I can see why he’s not your current roommate.

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He's right. It's no laughing matter. Every year, tens of brides become fainted from tight underwear. Don't let it happen to you.

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There’s a rich diversity about bat roosting songs? Is there really? Because I can only think of maybe 12 or 13 songs tops. And they all sound the same.

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Yes, I do know your exact trouble. Approximately, that is.

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Google translate fail for $400, Alex!

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Oh yes, I'm really looking forward to you touching me too. Right after I research how to file a restraining order.

The bottle was solid into the ocean in 1886. 
The week is long. The silver cat feeds when blue meets yellow in the west. A trip to China sounds nice if you tread lightly. Oh wait, this isn't a Russian spy code?

I turn to a vampire any time i want to. i become a vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a powerful man and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to human also at any time i want to. 
I don't know if I'm more disturbed that this guy turns into a vampire, or that he snacks on his fingers.

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Finally someone is listening to my many, many posts about organizing one's sandpaper!

and I am one of the most dreaded man in my country. 
Donald Trump, is that you?

At this moment I am going to do my breakfast, afterward having my breakfast coming yet again 
I think my breakfast just came up again too.

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Yes, I do. Learn how to spell.

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This! This right here is the reason I write! To get these fulfilling (and not at all spam generated from another country) comments!

The process begins in the uncomplicated activity associated with an account option. They will shun jobs its keep is not any benefit to the community involved. These art reproductions of paintings printed on canvas sheets or paper then framed and hung on walls. on Awkwardness Level: Expert
Uhhhh?

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Do I get drunk or poke out my eyes? The choices . . .

Are you able to develop Blogger: BECAUSE I SAID SO? Now i need a lot more help in the idea even so don’t are familiar with anybody that is really popular and is getting fish in a water. Make it possible for you should!
Time for a career change.

Thursday, September 24, 2020

Life Lessons from Love Bugs

The other day I was driving to work when a couple lovebugs hit my windshield with a splat. By "couple," of course I mean a dozen as it's Florida in September where lovebugs swarm in plague-like dark clouds, literally proliferating as they fly. I turned on my wipers in an effort to clear the mess, but managed to just kind of smear the bug guts in a sweeping arc across my line of vision. 

As I drove, my eyes were pulled back to the splattered remains of the bugs. I thought to myself - it would really suck if I got in an accident because I was focused on the smudge adorning my windshield instead of focusing on the stretch of highway before me. I forced my eyes back to the road, paying attention to the traffic, lights, and pedestrians. Before long, my gaze was once again drawn to the spatter on my window. I reprimanded myself. "Seriously, Dawn. Stop concentrating on the splotch of bug guts and shift your focus a few yards ahead." This happened a couple more times until I pulled into the parking lot at work. Each time my eyes shifted, it only lasted a second, a brief moment. It was hardly noticeable at all; I didn't even realize I was doing it.

And it made me think.

How often do we look ahead, pointed in the right direction, traveling along the correct path, and yet our focus is pulled just slightly away from where it should be? We're moving forward, all seems well, and yet we can't help focusing on something just slightly out of our line of vision. Maybe it's something that happened in the past; some blight in our history that we just can't seem to escape. Or maybe our focus shifts ever-so-slightly to the left. Or the right. Or somewhere in the periphery. We're not off-track per se. But something has pulled our attention away and we aren't focused exactly where we should be. It doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but the danger is that those momentary diversions can eventually pull us away from our destination, our purpose.

It happens to all of us. But how do we keep our attention where it should be even in the midst of endless distractions? If you read the first paragraph, you'll have seen that I'm hardly an expert as my attention shifts easily.


That could also say -
"I have so much to do!"
"Oooo look! Netflix!"

Or -
"I am SO over dating!"
"Oooo look! A cute guy!"

So although I'm clearly no expert, here are my ideas for staying focused.

1.  Determine your priorities. It's hard to stay focused on what's important to you if you don't know what's important to you. Unless you have a clear idea of what you want to focus on, your attention will be easily led in ways that won’t get you where you want to be. 

2.  Start the day with that priority. If your priority is to focus on God, begin your day with prayer. If it's to accomplish some goal (for example, weight loss) start your day by telling yourself you can and will succeed. Read a success story, look over the past weeks of weight loss and remind yourself that you're doing well, look at a "before" picture and applaud your success thus far.

3.  Have a plan.  



Again, I'll use the weight-loss example since this is something I've struggled with for a good 35 years. If you don't have a plan, you're doomed to fail even before you start. Plan out your menu, have healthy food on hand, carve out time to exercise. (I'm good with the giving of the advice, but notsomuch with the following of the advice.)

4.  Know that at times you'll lose focus on the big picture. It happens. When you find yourself looking at the messy bug guts of life, just shift your focus back where it belongs. And extend yourself some grace because we're all human. Just don't let your concentration veer completely off course or you could crash and burn.


Psalm 101:3 ESV
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me.

Psalm 119:37 ESV
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.

Philippians 4:8 ESV
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Proverbs 4:25 ESV
Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.

Philippians 3:14 ESV
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 25:15 ESV
My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Job 31:7 ESV
If my step has turned aside from the way and my heart has gone after my eyes, and if any spot has stuck to my hands,



Wednesday, September 23, 2020

I'm Sharing Because Visits to the Gyno are SO MUCH FUN

I had my annual gyno check-up today. I know, I know, contain your jealousy. As much as I hate going to the doctor, especially for this kind of appointment, I admit I'd rather have a pap smear every day of my life than to go to the dentist even once. That might make me a freak, but I bet I'm not alone on this one. Someone back me up here!

Anyway, so I specifically made an appointment with a female doctor because I'm just more comfortable with a woman doctor poking around "down there."

I sat in my car until I got a text from the office that I could come in. Upon entering the building, I had to answer some COVID-related questions and have my temperature taken. Then I proceeded toward the elevators, but some guy was standing in the middle of the hallway blocking the whole thing while he obliviously texted on his phone. I made a slightly dramatic show of walking around him because I'm immature like that people who are clueless to the fact that they share this planet with others tick me off. And it doesn't matter if they're cute young guys. Not that I noticed he was a cute young guy.

When I was called back into the doctor's office, the nurse weighed me and commented on my shoes. 

"I love your shoes! I'm going to get a pair of those. I do baking on the side," she explained.

"I just like doughnuts," I returned as I stepped on the scale. Seeing the number that came up, I muttered, "That might have something to do with my weight."

She lead me to a room, took my blood pressure, and asked a few questions. Then she said, "Stacy will have our newest midwife, Alex with her. Is that okay?"

"Sure, the more the merrier," I said only slightly sarcastically. 

"Okay, Stacy will be in with him soon," she said as she departed.

"Wait! Him? Alex is a him? The midwife is a he? Did she just say him?" I resigned myself to having a guy look on while she did her thing down there.

I changed and hopped up on the table to await the fun.

After a brief knock on the door (side note: I never know what to do there. Are you supposed to say, "Come in?" I never do that. But that has literally never stopped a doctor from walking right in as soon as they knock. Hmmm . . .) Anyway, after a knock, Alex enters. Alex is a guy. Alex is the guy. Alex is the guy I walked around when I first entered the building. Alex is the cute young guy I walked around when I first entered the building. Because I am just super lucky like that. And Stacy is nowhere in sight. A nurse enters and stands to the side while this guy gets out the jack that will pry open my cervix. So it looks like all my planning in making an appointment with a female doctor paid off!

He asks, "What kind of birth control are you using?"

"I've been single for 11 years," I answer dryly. 

Judging by the look on his face, he wasn't sure whether to laugh or feel sorry for me, but he dropped his line of questioning.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

"Well, I'm not too thrilled with the fact that I can go 2-3 months without a period and then other times I get it after only 2 or 3 weeks. And I never used to get PMS, but now I get a raging headache and moodiness bordering on a multiple personality disorder. I assume this is normal because I'm at the fun-filled age of 50?"

"Yeah, that can happen," he stated and I thought to myself - Oh what does a 20 year old boy know about it?

Then he said, "Well, I won't torture you too much. You don't need a pap because it's recommended to do them every 5 years when you get to this age. I'll just do the pelvic exam."

"You do realize that if you have to put your hands up my hoo ha anyway, then it doesn't really matter if you stick a Q-tip up there as well, right? I mean, that really doesn't spare anyone any torture."

Uncomfortable silence.

Trying to make amends for my smart mouth, "Well, at least you're not drilling my teeth so it's okay."


Tuesday, September 22, 2020

When Squirrels Attack


You know how much I love creeping, crawling, flying, hopping, scurrying creatures, right? Feel free to read any/all of the following if you need a refresher.

THE WILDLIFE IS OUT TO GET ME

HOW NAPS ARE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH

POISONOUS SPIDERS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

HOW I STOPPED THE COCKROACH THAT NEARLY ATE MY FACE OFF

HOW A BUG NEARLY CAUSED A 5 CAR PILE-UP

20 WAYS FLORIDA WILL KILL YOU

THE REASON THERE'S A SPARKLY FROG ON THE LOOSE

FEVERS, FLAMETHROWERS, AND BAT ATTACKS

KILLER MOTH: THE SEQUEL (BATMOTH'S REVENGE)

YOU WON'T BELIEVE MY EXCUSE FOR AVOIDING EXERCISE THIS TIME

And  of course, Florida is the worst place to live if you have a hate/hate relationship with wildlife. Seriously, it's like living in Jurassic Park down here!

A couple days ago, I walked out to my car so I could go to work. I saw a squirrel under my van who was chattering away. As I got closer, I noticed a baby squirrel on my windshield. 


I cautiously approached the van. "Hey baby squirrel. Hop off!" I instructed him. "Go ahead. Jump off my car. Just jump," I helpfully suggested. The squirrel just lay there, squirming around a little. Meanwhile, mom squirrel climbed out from under my car and up into the tree where she started yelling at me.

I picked up my wiper blades, thinking maybe he was stuck under one. Nope.



What to do, what to do? I thought. He was pretty cute, but still I didn't want to touch him because 

*  I was afraid I'd squish him.

*  I was afraid mom squirrel might abandon baby if I touched him.

*  I was afraid mom squirrel would come chew my face off.

*  I was afraid I'd get bitten or scratched by him and then I'd get rabies and then my work would have to have a 5k run for me. The Michael Scott Freedom Middle School Orlando Dawn Meehan Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure.



I stood there, kind of lost as to how to handle the situation. Maybe I should just call in to work and stay home. "Sorry, I can't come in today; there's a squirrel on my car." I could just picture the principal's face as I delivered that news.

I texted Brooklyn and Clay. There's a baby squirrel on my windshield. I don't know how to get him off! Help!

Clay answered. Use the windshield wipers.

I responded. Clayton!

I tapped the glass behind the squirrel, hoping to motivate him to hop on off my car and into the tree. He scooted forward a little. And mom squirrel, up in the tree, started throwing acorns and branches at me.

I texted the kids again. And now I'm being attacked by the mom squirrel!

I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to get the little guy off somehow so I opened my car door to search for a sweatshirt or something I could use to pick up the baby squirrel and relocate him. Great plan except I don't carry sweatshirts in my car on account of it being approximately 50,000 degrees every day!

As I contemplated my next move, my neighbor walked out to the parking lot. I explained the situation. 

"There's a baby squirrel on my car and he's too little to jump off and the mom is in the tree pelting me with acorns and I don't have a sweatshirt and I don't want rabies and I sure don't want anyone to have to do a 5k on account of me."

She looked around, and seeing a big stick lying on the ground, grabbed it. She held it up to the baby squirrel who clutched at it with its baby squirrel arms, then she carefully moved the squirrel-on-a-stick over to the tree. Baby squirrel climbed onto the tree, mom squirrel stopped bombing me with foliage, my quick-thinking neighbor walked away, and I drove to work.

I really think it's time for me to move.