I am the Queen of Procrastination

I woke up this morning, after being basically lazy all weekend, prepared to work on my book. My goal was to write 4000 words today. A lofty goal to be sure, but I knew I could do it. I'd taken a break from writing for a few days, so I knew I'd be able reread everything I'd already written with fresh eyes and I was certain a new stream of inspiration would follow. That was the plan.

I woke up at 8:00, however I couldn't manage to pull myself from my bed until almost 9:00. What kind of person just lies there doing nothing for nearly an hour? Well, I suppose I wasn't doing nothing exactly. I mean, I did play a few rounds of Scramble with Friends and Words with Friends. That probably improved my vocabulary which is quite valuable for a writer. Yes, yes that's it! Time well spent.

After dragging my lazy butt out of bed, I weighed myself. Then I weighed myself again. Then a third time just to make sure I wasn't actually 20 pounds less than the first two readings. That's never happened, mind you, but you never know.

I made a cup of Splenda and milk with  little coffee flavor and alternately sipped my drink and watched Brooklyn's amazing card trick. Repeatedly. It goes like this: You choose a card from a deck. You put it back in the deck. Brooklyn lies the cards down one by one and when you see yours, you put your hand on top of it. Then Brooklyn tells you to close your eyes while she takes a second card and rubs it on top of your hand that is placed on the card. After a minute, she tells you to look at your card and see if it has changed. Of course it hasn't. But after she tears up at her failed trick for the third time, you start to lie and gush, "Oh my gosh, my card changed! Wow! How did you do that?" Yeah, I'm that kind of mom.

Eventually, I moved off the couch, planning on going for a walk, but remembering my evil scale, decided to step up my workout efforts instead. An hour and a half of kickboxing should do the trick. Don't laugh! At the time, I thought an hour and a half was perfectly reasonable! About 20 minutes into the workout tape, I collapsed to the floor in a puddle of sweat, gasping like a fish out of water. I cursed myself. Why the crap do I come up with these ideas? After my heart rate slowed to less than 250 beats per minute, I forced myself to get up and continue the torture. "I hate you, Billy Blanks" became my mantra. I managed an hour of spastic, half-hearted kicks and punches that would garner much hilarious laughter if anyone actually saw me.

I took an extra long shower, because hey, I'd already wasted half the day, might as well shave every last inch, shampoo, condition, exfoliate, moisturize, pumice . . . 

Okay, time to write. Right after I make a couple phone calls to my mortgage company and my employer about changing insurance plans. Download 80,000 forms to print, realize I'm out of printer ink, send Austin to the store to buy more, take a moment to appreciate having teens who can drive.

While I wait for Austin to return with the ink, I'll start writing. Right after I check Facebook. Why are there so many ads for dating sites? I will never ever use an online dating site again. Oooo, there we go! An ad for pizza! And a Blackhawks beer stein. That's more like it. Oh wait, and an ad for dental implants. And one for endometriosis treatments. Well, at least the Twinkie ads are gone.

Okay enough Facebook! I must write! Now where's that document? Oh wait, I should probably check my email first. How'd it get to be 3:00?! No wonder my stomach is growling. I guess I should probably eat. I'll be healthy. Half a turkey sandwich and an orange. Yes, I'm the workout, healthy eating queen! 

Okay, back to writing. I just need a little something sweet . . . a bag of peanut M&Ms should do the trick. What? I worked out and had an orange! I practically HAVE to eat the M&Ms to balance out all the healthiness!

Austin came back with the ink so I printed out the forms and started filling them out. This is going to take forever. But I can justify not writing when I'm filling out paperwork. This is necessary. Feeling better already!

Dinner. I should probably make dinner. Eh, my kids have probably been snacking all day. They don't really need dinner, do they? Okay, write. Write, write, write. I must write. But first, I need to strip my bed and wash my sheets. When I'm rich and famous, I'll have someone wash my bedding everyday because there's not much that I love more than the smell of fresh clean sheets when I sleep.

Okay, I still have a couple hours before my brain turns to mush. I can still write a couple thousand words. It's crunch time! Go! I wonder what I'd look like with red lipstick? I don't think I've ever actually worn the red stuff I bought last winter. I must try it now! And if I'm going to put on lipstick, I might as well slather on a bunch of eye makeup too. You can't wear just lipstick without eye makeup. Hmmm, maybe I should curl my hair too. You know, to complete the look. Not too bad. I think I should take a picture to prove that I don't always have my hair in a ponytail with sweat dripping down my face that hasn't seen any makeup for days because I'm too lazy to bother with it if I'm not leaving the house.

Eh, it's 11:00 now and if I've learned anything about myself, it's that anything I write late at night gets deleted the next day when I read it with a clear head. (After I cringe and make comments to myself like, "What the crap were you thinking, Dawn? That's not even English! This is on the level with E. L. James, for crying out loud!")

Yep, that about sums up my day. On the list for tomorrow - write! AKA: complain that I'm too sore to get out of bed, paint my nails, check out Facebook for obscene amounts of time, pay bills, clean the bathrooms, play Words with Friends, bake some cookies, eat some cookies, and watch a movie or two.