My Diva Demands on my Tour Rider

I saw an article on HuffPo about Beyonce's tour rider. Allegedly, she has demanded such oddities as alkaline water that must be chilled to 21 degrees and served with $900 titanium straws, and bathrooms which have new toilet seats and red toilet paper at every venue. I, for one, completely understand this. I mean, if I was going on a world tour, there are certain necessities I'd require as well. Living in luxury hotel rooms night after night can be tough. One can't be on the road for extended periods of time without those little touches that bring a sense of comfort and hominess. If it was me, I'd require the following on my tour rider.

*  Strawberry margaritas made with $1030.00 DeLeon Leona Tequila Reserva. They must be slightly slushy, but not frozen, with pink sugar only on half the circumference of the rim, and one mint sprig dropped in, but not crushed at all.

*  A king-sized bed covered in light pink sheets with a thread count of 1200. An independent lab must verify the thread count. It must also have pillows stuffed with the humanely-gathered fur shed from free-range chinchillas, and a white blanket woven by the Zulu people of South Africa with imported silk fibers. The blanket must smell like my grandparents' old cottage in Indiana.

*  100-gallon aquariums filled with pink gravel and jellyfish placed around the room exactly 8 1/2 feet apart.

But before I could continue down this path, I changed my mind. If I was going on a world tour, my kids would have to come with me because I’d miss them too much to leave them behind. So THIS is what I would really require on my rider . . .

1.  Someone to stand outside my bathroom and guard the door to be sure no one knocks on it while I pee.

2.  Meals that consists of anything at all besides chicken nuggets and macaroni-and-cheese.

3.  A box of Nutrisse hair color (color #56 Sangria) every 5 weeks.

4.  An assistant who does nothing, but sign homework planners for me.

5.  Ear plugs to block out the sound when my kids argue about what they want to watch on T.V.

6.  Someone to monitor all dinnertime conversations and the minute “poop” (or any other bodily function) is mentioned, the culprit will receive a little electric shock through their chair until they’ve been trained to avoid all disgusting talk at the table.

7.  Someone to turn all my kids wadded-up, inside-out socks around before I wash them. Or better yet, someone to do all laundry while on tour.

8.  Calypso Crunch cookies from Publix, assorted chocolate, coconut coffee, bottles of Roditis, an obscene amount of Little Debbies, and Coke Zero to wash it all down.

9.  Someone to enter the room before me and kick all the shoes, books, toys, and miscellaneous crap out of the way.

10.  A nap. That’s all. I just want a nap.


So what would you put on your tour rider? Sky’s the limit! I’m dying to hear what you would require!