An Open Letter to all Male Members of any Online Dating Site

Dear Hopeful Single,


I’m not writing because I’m interested in you. I’m writing because I feel sorry for you. Your online dating profile makes me cringe; it floods me with embarrassment for you. Your emails help me to understand why you’re single. Now, in real life, I don’t go around judging a person based solely (oh, and speaking of sole, it’s soulmate, not solemate, and honestly, you really shouldn’t even be using the word at all) on their ability to write and take a decent photograph, but on an online dating site, that’s all I have to go by. When I receive a couple dozen emails, winks, and likes a day, I have to weed through them and yes, unfair as it may be, I skip over those of you who start emails with “Hey Hotstuff”, have pictures of your dog sitting on your Harley, and have phrases such as “herpes-free” in your profiles.

Although I don’t know you personally, I want to help you. I want to give you some advice so you don’t end up a lonely old, (hmmm, what’s the male version of a crazy cat lady?) well, a lonely old coot.  I’ve devised this form letter that I think will be beneficial in your dating endeavors. Please note the following comments and fix any with a check mark. I (and all the rest of the female dating population) thank you.

  You have pictures of your dog/cat/goat. I’m not looking to date your pets.

  You have pictures of your motorcycle/car/boat. I’m also not looking to date your vehicles.

  You have pictures of the fish you caught. Would you like to see pictures on my profile of shopping bags containing the bargains I just scored at the mall? Enough said.

  You have pictures of sunsets and other assorted scenery. This may come as a shock, but I already know what a tree looks like. I want to see what you look like!

  You have pictures of yourself from 1992. I could be wrong, but I’m guessing it comes as a shock when someone meets you for a drink and there you are, the spitting image of your photos , only with 40 extra pounds and no hair. 

 Your photos all contain a bunch of people. I have no idea which one is you.

 Your photos are all taken from about 100 yards away. You look like a speck of dust.

  Your photo looks like a mugshot. Try smiling.

  You look like a serial killer. Try a little less psycho-looking expression.

  Your pictures were all taken in the bathroom mirror and to top it off, there’s a layer of film on the mirror, hemorrhoid cream on the counter, and you used a flash so in place of your head, there’s a big, white light.

  You have a picture with your shirt off and you either

A.      don’t look good with it off, or

B.      look like the guy from Right Said Fred.

  You only have pictures of yourself wearing sunglasses. Do you even have eyes?

  Your entire, 200 word profile doesn’t contain a single punctuation mark. It would take me half an hour to decipher it!

  Your entire, 200 word profile only contains 7 words that are spelled correctly. Use spell check and/or hire someone to proofread!

  You incorrectly used the word(s) your, you’re, there, their, they’re, here, and/or hear. My FIRST grader knows what a homophone is!

  Your profile is so poorly written, I can’t even tell what language it is.

  You, like 95% of the guys here, wrote that you like long walks on the beach. By my calculations, if every one of you likes walking on the beach so much, on any given day the beach should be as crowded as Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

  You, like 95% of the guys here, wrote that you like snuggling on the couch on a rainy day. What, is there some profile template that every guy uses? Why do you all say the same lame things?

  You don’t know that “a lot” is NOT one word!

  You started off an email to me with “Hey babe/gorgeous/beautiful. Who taught you to address correspondence with someone you don’t know like that?

  You sent me an email saying, “Hi I want to chat with you.” If you want to talk to me, then talk! Don’t send one stupid line.

  You sent me an email that reads, “Hey ur rily cute. Your pics are gr8. Lol. Write back,” which leads me to believe you are a 14 year old.

  You sent me an email asking me to meet you for coffee and you live in another state. Thanks, but I’m not keen on driving to New Jersey for coffee (or anything else for that matter.)

  You emailed me your undying love even though you’re 76 years old and my profile clearly states that I’m looking for someone between the ages of 38 and 48.

  You emailed me and asked me something stupid like, “Do you like kids?” even though it clearly states in my profile that I have six kids. Perhaps before emailing a potential date, you should, oh, I don’t know, read her profile!

I’m sure you’re a great guy. I’m positive women would like to get to know you. I’m pretty sure at least one person would like to meet you. Remember, God loves you. And if you make a few of these simple changes, perhaps someone else will take the time to get to know you as well. Good luck and best wishes on your search!