I'm REALLY not cut out for Dating

I’ve been on my own with the kids for over two years now. I’ve been officially divorced for a year and a half. I’ve been thinking about dating lately. I mean, I’ve been thinking about it in theory.

I’m far too busy and wouldn’t know where to start meeting people.  I’d feel too guilty leaving my kids to go out for the evening when it seems like I don’t have enough time with them as it is.  And I’m not keen on the idea of introducing anyone to my kids at any point in the future.  I can’t imagine anyone else becoming part of their lives.  Still, I guess I’m feeling lonely.  Well, mostly I just feel overwhelmed with responsibility.  I could never have imagined just how hard it is to juggle everything and be the sole caregiver to six kids along with being their provider as well.  No time off, no every-other-weekend breaks, not even dinner out by myself or with friends now and then.  My ex hasn’t worked in over a year.  I doubt he ever will.  So, yeah, I mostly feel extremely overwhelmed.  But now and then, when I have a minute to sit down and take a breath, a twinge of loneliness creeps in.

Those aren’t the only reasons why I’m only theoretically considering dating.  Another big reason I can’t imagine actually going out with anyone and getting to know them is that I don’t think I would like anyone who was idiotic enough to like me.  I’m not an easy person to get along with.  I’m impatient, I have no tolerance for stupidity, and I like things to be done the right way – my way.  I want help, but I want to do it all myself.  I hate being stuck in a rut, but I hate surprises even more.  And if a guy caters to me and is the most sensitive, thoughtful, kind, compassionate person, it irritates me that he’s too girly and I wish he’d just tell me off and put me in my place when I’m being a snot.  Then again, if he did that, I’d probably cry that he was insensitive and didn’t care.  So, really any guy who would want to put up with that neurosis has got to have some sort of mental disorder, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be interested in him.  Also, where I live, the guys I’ve seen tend to wear baseball caps, drive pickup trucks, say “all y’all”, and are missing several teeth.  Then there’s the fact that I’m old and fat and have six kids.  Anyone who’d be interested in this amazing hotness is clearly blind and on drugs.  I don’t think I’d want to date someone on drugs.

And even more importantly, let’s say I got desperate and decided I liked pickup truck driving, “all y’all” saying, toothless druggies.  What on earth would I have to talk about on a date?  Seriously, I just had a lengthy conversation on Facebook about how Ruby wouldn’t let Max use scissors or glue, or fly a kite because he was too little, but she sent him to the grocery store by himself to buy eggs for her.  I was discussing cartoon rabbits, for crying out loud!  How long could a conversation about Bubble Guppies, Sid the Science Kid’s annoying grandmother, and Dr. Doofenschmirtz’s latest ‘inator last?  I can just imagine the stupefied look at any potential date’s face as I regale him with SpongeBob quotes.  “Psst, Squidward, I’m working in the kitchen… at night!  Hey Squidward, guess what. I’m chopping lettuce… at night!  Look at me, I’m swabbing the bathroom… at night!  Ow, I burned my hand… at night!”

“Look, all y’all, I’m walking out the door… at night!” would be his response as he made a beeline for the exit.