Easy Money

I was sick last week and, as much as I wanted to blog, I just couldn’t manage to stay awake long enough to compose a single sentence.  Every day, after getting home, helping my kids with their homework, making dinner, and getting my little ones to bed, I lay down, coughed up a lung, and passed out asleep.  I really needed the sleep.  I needed to take care of myself, but, at the same time, I stressed over the fact that I wasn’t writing.  No writing = no income.  But I’m happy to announce that I’ve now solved all my money problems!  My spam filter catches a couple dozen emails a day.  I generally just delete the whole bunch without a second glance, but today, for kicks, I decided to open one and read it.  This is what it said.

GREETINGS TO YOU, (whoever you are, you random person)

IT IS A PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A BUSINESS THAT WILL MAKE THE BEGINNING OF NEVER-ENDING FAMILY RELATIONSHIP AND I HOPE THIS PROPOSAL WILL NOT BE AN INCONVENIENCE OR EMBARRASSMENT TO YOU.  (It’s probably not the wisest idea to introduce a proposal with the disclaimer ‘I hope this won’t be an embarrassment to you.’  Oh, and while we’re at it, let me introduce you to the great art of punctuation.)

I AM ELIZABETH DAJU MORGAN I AM 20YEARS AND THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE DR DAJU ALFY MORGAN   WHO WAS A FAMOUS COCOA MERCHANT. (Does one need a doctorate to be a cocoa merchant?  And once again, you might want to consider using a period or a comma now and then.  Example:  Let’s eat grandma.  Let’s eat, grandma.  Punctuation:  it saves lives.)

MY LATE FATHER OPERATED HIS COCOA BUSINESS IN ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIRE UNDER PARTNERSHIP BUT UNFORTUNATELY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES POISONED HIM IN ORDER TO CLAIM HIS WEALTH IN A COCKTAIL PARTY HELD IN HIS HONOUR AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY. (Wait!  They poisoned him to claim his wealth in a cocktail party?  How does one acquire wealth in a cocktail party?  I’m so confused.)

WHEN HE WAS POISONED, HE WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL.  (Naturally.)

IT WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE SECRETLY DISCLOSED TO ME THE CAUSE OF THE SICKNESS AND ALSO THAT HE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF 16.8M DOLLARS (SIXTEEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS). (Oh good.  Thank you for spelling that out.  I wasn’t sure what 16.8M dollars.  And let me get this straight, he told you he’d been poisoned?  If he knew his buddies were poisoning him, why did he take the poison?  He’s not a very smart guy for a doctor.)

 IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT TO A BANK HERE IN COTE D’IVOIRE AND THAT I WAS MADE THE NEXT OF KIN TO INHERIT THE MONEY IN HIS RECORD/FILE.
HE THEREFORE ADVISED ME TO LOOK FOR A RELIABLE, TRUST WORTHY AND GOD-FEARING PERSON WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO TRANSFER THIS FUNDS ABROAD STRICTLY FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSES.  (And you immediately thought, ‘Hey, I’ll email some random stranger about this!’  Whenever I need someone trustworthy to help me with a multi-million dollar deal, I generally just do eenie meanie minie mo in the phone book, but the next time I’ll try random email addresses.) 

THIS IS BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT HIS ASSOCIATES TO RAISE AN EYEBROW ON HIS FUND. HE ALSO ADVISED US TO AVOID HIS ASSOCIATES WHO WILL BE RUNNING AFTER MY DEAR LIFE; HE FINALLY DIED IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER TWO DAYS OF ADMISSION.  (Good attempt at using a semi-colon, but maybe you should start off with something a little easier.  I really feel compelled to help you now that you mentioned his associates will be running after your dear life.)

I AM SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE $16.8M INTO YOUR ACCOUNT FOR AN INVESTMENT PURPOSES OVER THERE IN YOUR COUNTRY. I HOPE TO TRAVEL WITH YOU TO YOUR COUNTRY AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND.  (You want to travel with me to my {insert name of country here}?  How are we going to travel together to my country when I’m already in my country?  Oh I know!  I’ll fly to Africa and then we can meet up and fly back to the U.S. together!  It’s a date!)
THE CONTACT OF THE BANK WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU SHOW YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ME.  (I’m interested!  I’m willing!  I mean, it’s a win/win situation, right?  Free money for me!)
YOU CAN NOW INSTRUCT THEM ON WHERE AND HOW THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED.
I AM OFFERING YOU 10% OF THE TOTAL SUM OF DOLLARS $16.800.000 AS COMMISSION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.  (Make it 80/20 and you got yourself a deal!)

MAY I STRONGLY RE-EMPHASIZE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL, HITCH FREE AND THIS WILL BE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED WITHIN 10 DAYS ACCORDING TO YOUR EFFORTS.  (Oh yeah, hitch-free!  I’m confident this isn’t a scam.  In ten days, I’ll be the proud recipient of 1,680,000!  Then I won’t have to stress out when I’m too tired or sick to blog.  Hallelujah!) 
THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,
ELIZABETH DAJU MORGAN.

(Is this where I write my name, address, social security number, and bank information?)