Jimmy Couldn't Jump At All Before He Got These Shoes

Awhile back, Savannah made a comment about wanting to get in shape. Of course, I want my kids to have healthy body images (even if I don't so much), so I assured her that she wasn't fat in any way, but at the same time, told her that if she wanted to exercise or get in better shape, that it would be fine and I'd be happy to join her for an evening power walk. I still feel bad that she missed out on softball season and really hasn't been able to exercise since May. But now that she has the go-ahead to officially ditch her crutches, I thought walking would be a good idea.

So, for a few weeks, we've been walking together. The first time we went out, we each used an ear bud and listened to her iPod. It was a bonding experience. I like her music and she likes mine. It's all good. But we haven't shared an iPod since that first evening. Not because we can't agree on music. Nope. It's because Savannah's idea of walking is running much faster than mine. Seriously, she walked the mile to the store and then turned around and headed back home. She met up with me like 2 blocks from the house. "Is this as far as you've gotten?" she asked incredulously.

"Who me? No. Noooo. Oh heck no! No, I ah, passed you on the way there. Didn't you see me? No? I um, took a different route. Yeah, I uh, met up with a friend and stopped to talk. Um, stopped to tie my shoe? Oh okay, YES! Fine! This is as far as I've gotten! You have longer legs than I do! I'm old! I'm out of shape! I've had six kids! In fact, I gained 35 pounds with you alone! So, I think it's technically your fault I can't keep up!" I shouted to the wind because Savannah had long since jogged home, taken a shower, made a snack, and was presently watching iCarly.

Anyway, in an effort to maximize my walk, I bought those Skecher Shape-Up shoes. A bunch of my friends were talking about how awesome these were, so I thought I'd give them a try. Actually, the reason I bought them was because I'd been walking in my sandals and I think I had tripped at least twice during every walk. I knew it was only a matter of time before my face met the sidewalk up close and personal and I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why my nose was smashed in. That would be embarrassing and I'd have to make up a story about how I thwarted a would-be attacker or something like that, but knowing my kids, they'd spill the beans and blurt out the truth as I was telling my heroic tale and then I'd look like even more of a fool. See? I think these things through!

So, since I didn't own any tennis shoes, I decided to give these a try. The booklet that came with the shoes claims:

3 Reasons you NEED Shape-Ups

1. Stronger You - Shape-Ups are designed to help you tone your muscles - from your back and abdomen to your buttocks and calves.

2. Healthier You - Shape-Ups will help you lose weight and improve your circulation, creating a healthier you.

3. Easy Exercise Routine - It's easy to shape up with Shape-Ups. Wear your Shape-Ups everywhere and anywhere you walk (or stand), and your body will feel the benefits.

That's awesome! I thought. So, I set the box down on the floor by my bed and went about my day, knowing I was going to lose weight and look like a super-model overnight. After a week, I weighed myself. I hadn't lost a pound. Apparently you have to put the shoes on and actually work out while wearing them.

So I wore them during my walk tonight. I learned a couple things while walking.

1. It wasn't my sandals making me trip. Apparently I just do that.

2. These shoes make it feel like you're walking in sand. Have you ever walked through sand? It's hard! Why would you do it on purpose???

3. I have Matthew Wilder's Break My Stride on my iPod! Who knew?

4. These shoes make you look taller not because they improve your posture, but because they have a 20 inch heel.

5. I'm pretty sure these shoes made me walk like Kramer with his plyometric training shoes from Jimmy.

6. I'm going to keep wearing them anyway because I'm sure super-model butt muscles are just around the corner!

7. Oh yeah, and Savannah will no longer walk with me. I was demoted to "dork".