Exercise is EVIL Good For You

Today was the first official day of my new year. The 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th didn't count because I was on vacation and you can't be expected to change old habits and form new ones when you're stuck in a small hotel room with your husband and kids on vacation. You're supposed to eat, drink, and be merry on vacation. Or something like that.

Truth be told, I really did kinda start exercising on vacation because let me tell ya, you have to climb like 58 flights of stairs to go down one waterslide! By the time I'd gone down my second waterslide, I needed a full knee replacement. And you'd be surprised at the amount of strength it takes to hold onto an inner tube when waves are crashing into you. I'd show you the video of Jen and me riding the waves, but seeing me in a bathing suit is downright scary and I'm pretty sure I'd lose 98% of my readers if I did that. And holding a sleeping Brooklyn while we went around the lazy river 4000 times isn't as easy as it sounds. Especially when I also had to cross my legs because I had to pee so badly. I mean, I have given birth to 6 kids - bladder control is a thing of the past.

Since my TV is still broken ( I KNOW! Can you believe it? Never, ever, ever order replacement parts from http://www.projectorlampcenter.com/. I placed my order back on December 15. It didn't state that the part I needed was out of stock anywhere on the site. I never got an email stating it was out of stock. They went ahead and charged my debit card immediately. And yet, here it is, January 5 and I still don't have the part. Three weeks have gone by! And I even paid for 2nd day shipping to speed up the process, thinking that I'd receive it in time for the kids' Christmas break. HA! OK, so I searched their website and there's no contact information - no phone number, no email. The only contact information they offer is a live chat. I participated in this live chat over a week ago. The robot person on the other end, just gave me stupid automated responses and platitudes. And apparently the thing is backordered. Did they bother to inform me of this when I placed my order? No. Did they offer to let me cancel my order so I could search for the part elsewhere? No. They went ahead and charged me, saying, "Oh well, too bad. It'll ship soon." Ugh. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to get the stupid part.

Sorry for the digression, but I wanted to pass this on to you. I wouldn't order from this place again. In fact, I've just learned a valuable lesson from this also. Make sure there's valid contact information and good feedback before ordering from anyplace online!)

OK, back to my enthralling story. Since my TV is still broken, I couldn't do any work-out DVDs. I can't afford to join a gym and really, with the kids, I wouldn't have the chance to go regularly anyway, so those rare times I decide to be stupid healthy, I usually do a step aerobic DVD or something like that. I couldn't do any DVDs today, so I dragged out an old tape, as in audiotape, that comes with a book full of lovely illustrations of how to do these exercises. The woman in this book is probably 50 years old and she looks 50 times better than I do. She has a huge smile plastered to her face while she bends and contorts in ways no human with a spine should move.

I have to admit that listening to this old tape and following along with the book is better than most of my DVDs, however. I have Tae Bo tapes. I used to be able to do them. I did! After I had my third baby, I busted my butt to get back into shape. I could give ole Billy a run for his money with my kickboxing skills. If I tried to do that now, I'd break my spleen.

I have a Kathy Ireland tape too. In this tape, she never breaks a sweat. She smiles, mocking me, throughout the whole stinkin' routine. Her make-up is perfect and she doesn't have a hair out of place. I hate her. She also says stuff like, "Doesn't that feel good?" Feel good? FEEL GOOD??? No, it does not feel good! My butt muscles are on fire; I think I'm having a heart attack; this most certainly does not feel good! Sitting down, having a beer and ordering a big fat Lou Malnati's pizza would feel good. Heck, shoving shards of glass into my eyeballs would feel better than doing this stupid workout tape!

After doing my tape today, I was reasonably certain I was having a heart attack. I even stumbled around the room, grabbing my chest, bellowing, "This is the big one!" in true Sanford style. I would've dialed 9-1-1, but I couldn't lift my arms to hold the phone. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I'm positive being healthy and thin isn't worth this. Thankfully, I can stop this nonsense with the rest of America when the calendar turns to February.