An Apple a Day....

An apple a day......

...would probably crack my tooth, give me diarrhea, and make my face break out in a rash.

I really didn't have enough fun going to the gyno and getting my mammogram last month, so I went for a physical today. Actually I called back in February to set up the appointment. This was the soonest they could get me in.

Yesterday while I was out, the doctor's office called to confirm my appointment today. They left a message requesting me to return their call to confirm the appointment. I didn't get home until after office hours last night because the kids and I were out at a sprayground and then at a baseball game. Thus, I didn't return the call to confirm that I'd actually be at the appointment I had waited 4 months for. So, they called again this morning before the sun was even up. I don't answer the phone when I'm sleeping, so they left another message telling me to call back when the office opened at 9:00am and confirm my appointment. When I got up, I called them back, navigated their phone maze and left the message that I'd be there.

Then I asked them to call me back and confirm that they'd received my confirmation.

I don't know why, but stuff like that bugs me. Just like my pediatrician's office that INSISTS on seeing my insurance card every time I go. It doesn't matter if I assure them that it's the exact same card as it was 4 days ago when I was there, they still need to physically see it again. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but it's little stuff like this that makes me nuts.

Anyway, I went to this physical with the mindset that I wasn't going to like the doctor. Good attitude, no? I had the most wonderful doctor ever and then he moved to some remote island or Montana or something where he could really help people who needed it. Hello? What about your patients here? What am I - chopped liver? (which I'm sure would make a fine sandwich if you mixed it with chocolate syrup, mayonnaise, and corn niblets.) I envision him making housecalls in a Little House on the Prairie kind of town. Anyway, his noble move left me without a doctor for several years because I just knew I wouldn't find another doctor who would compare. And really, except for the times the kids have shared their strep throat germs with me, I haven't needed to see a non-OB doctor for years.

It's hard to tell from just one meeting, but I think this guy has potential. I like him so far. Well, except for the part where he told me I was insanely fat need to exercise for good heart health. I didn't like that part so much. Or the part where I opened my mouth and said, "Ahhhh" and he said, "holy mackerel, just how many cavities do you have in there?" "Do you floss everyday?" What, is he a dentist too? Oh and speaking of dentists....my tooth fell out on the way to the doctor today. It. Fell. Out. I freaked out! In fact, I freaked out so much that I didn't notice the Road Closed sign and I drove the wrong way into oncoming traffic! While holding my TOOTH in my hand, freaking out! Yeah, that was fun. A construction worker kindly pointed out that I was going the wrong way. "Hey! You can't drive that way! The road is closed, moron idiot ma'am!"

So I turned around, drove the long way to the doctor's office, pulled into the parking lot and managed to pop my tooth/crown thingy back on. Sort of. By the time I got in the office (10 minutes late thanks to the closed road) my blood pressure was 430/280 which, come to find out, is a bad thing.

Anyway, here's my diagnosis: I'm tired because I have six kids and I don't exercise because bad things happen when I try. (Did you click the link? No? Then how can you know what I'm talking about? Go back and click it. I'll wait. insert nice elevator music here Back? Good.) I guess I also have carpal tunnel syndrome. So that's why my hands always fall asleep. Who knew?

I have to admit that I was impressed with how long he took to talk to me. I didn't feel rushed at all. He asked questions and actually listened to what I had to say. That's very important to me. You know - because I like to talk because I want to feel like the doctor understands what I'm saying and cares about it. I think a lot of doctors miss this. You start to tell them about something that's bothering you and they cut you off mid-sentence because they already know everything and don't need to hear any details from you blah blah blah. I suppose you could attribute it to "the system". Doctors probably have to see a certain number of people a day and don't have time to spend more than a couple minutes with each one. Still, that is one thing I cannot overlook when searching for a physician. In fact, I'd say his bedside manner was way more important than distance, hours, fees, etc. OK, I digress as usual.

Let's see - where was I? Oh yes, then I had 52 vials of blood drawn. After that, they sent me to pee in a cup. I must say that I haven't peed in a cup non-pregnant in years. I don't even remember the last time. Man, it is MUCH, MUCH easier to go IN the cup as opposed to ON your hand when you don't have a giant belly in your way.

So, here we go -
Stupid pap - check!
Stupid mammogram - check!
Stupid physical - check!
Stupid dentist - calling tomorrow....

I'm not going to anymore doctors for 10 years unless I'm dead. Now it's Joe's turn to get those tonsils yanked so I he can get a good night's sleep.