Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I Quit

Every day as the clock passes 12:00, I develop a stomachache. It's not because I'm hungry. It's not because I've eaten too much. It's not because my lunch consisted of spoiled meat, moldy bread, sushi, or anything other disgusting items. It's because I know I only have a few minutes until my fourth period class. And if I survive that, I'll have to endure my fifth period class as well.

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Sunday, January 27, 2013

My Warranty Expired When I Turned 40

When I moved into my house a year and a half ago, I got a new refrigerator. It was wonderful. It was big and roomy, it had all sorts of buttons and gadgets, it smelled fresh and clean and it didn't have any mysterious orange substance with flakes of onion peels stuck in it coating the bottom of the crisper drawer. One year after it was installed, it broke. A couple days after the warranty expired, as Murphy's Law would have it. That's the life expectancy of a modern appliance - one year. After that, you will spill thousands patching it back together as one after another, the parts fail. Appliances are not the only items with warranties either. I've come to the conclusion that humans have warranties as well and they expire at exactly 40 years of age.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from 80s Movies

Some of the students at my school recently read an essay entitled Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The assignment got me thinking. The only thing I learned in kindergarten is that I hated school. I decided that all I really need to know I learned from John Hughes, the brat pack, and a host of 80s movies. The geek can get the girl, you can save the world with your ability to skateboard/play video games/harness the force, a great soundtrack can make a movie, and randomly breaking out in a dance number can fix anything. Here are my top lessons learned from 80s movies.

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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Here are MY Office Procedures!

I went to a podiatrist yesterday for the foot pain I've been having. That is, I went to the podiatrist after I finally got an appointment with my primary care physician because clearly, ordinary people like me could never know that foot pain requires a visit to a podiatrist unless they first lay down a hefty copay to their primary doctor so they can write "referred to a podiatrist" on paper. 

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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Do you Want a Spanking? (and other ridiculous things parents say)

While cleaning out some old files on my computer, I found a Word doc with this blog post that I never published. I have no idea how old it is, but my guess is 3 years. I thought it was pretty funny so I'm sharing it with you. I hope you enjoy!

While I was at the store, I overheard a dad tell his sobbing daughter, "Be quiet or I'll give you something to cry about!"

I snickered to myself at the absurdity of such a statement, and I remembered making a smart-aleck comment in response to my dad after he said that to me as a child. "So, do you want me to stop crying? Or do you want me to cry more? I'm confused." (In case you're wondering, he gave me something to cry about.)

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Kids Say the Darndest Things. Again and Again and Again.

Last night, I wrote about the paper Brooklyn wrote at school in which she shared just a little too much information. However, I no longer have to worry about what her teacher thinks of us anymore. Nope, now I can be concerned about what Clay's teacher thinks of us. I mean, I had no illusions of Brooklyn's paper being the last of its kind or anything. But I guess I wasn't expecting another the VERY NEXT DAY! Today, Clay brought home this gem . . .

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Monday, January 7, 2013

Sometimes it's Just a Little too Much Information

Several years ago when I was teaching Sunday school, I remember a child telling me all about how she was late for church because everyone had to listen to her mom yelling at her dad because he left the seat up on the toilet and she wasn't paying attention and she fell in and got wet and had to change her clothes. Or there was the time one child regaled me with stories of how his poop changes colors. That in turn, launched a whole conversation about technicolor poo which really didn't have anything to do with Moses, plagues, Egypt, or anything we were studying. In fact, I think it's a safe bet to say it had nothing to do with well, pretty much anything at all in the Bible.

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Sunday, January 6, 2013

Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Every year I make a list of resolutions. And every year by May, I end up modifying those resolutions. By the time December rolls around, I've completely forgotten what my resolutions were and why I made them in the first place. It's tradition. For example, last year I resolved to lose 50 pounds by eating healthier foods and exercising. Shortly after, I modified my resolution to lose at least 2 pounds and occasionally eat some foods that weren't deep-fried in fat and/or smothered in chocolate. However, as I was inhaling Christmas cookies by the gross last week, it was pretty evident I'd forgotten the resolution altogether. So this year, I'm making reasonable resolutions I can easily keep. Feel free to use any of these resolutions in your own self-improvement plans.

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My Year in Pictures

For the past couple weeks I've been looking back over the year, trying to remember all the things that happened. Unfortunately, I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday, let alone what happened months ago. Thankfully, I post pictures and updates on Facebook frequently so I was able to look back and recall some of the things that happened this year. Whatever would we do without Facebook, right? So instead of writing a boring year-end wrap-up, I'm going to share my year in pictures. Believe me, there are some, ah "interesting" pictures. I hope you enjoy!

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