Monday, May 31, 2010

And the Games Continue

I went to clean the bathroom before guests arrived for the birthday party Saturday. This is what I found. I'm not sure which is more disturbing - the fact that the kids threw globs of wet toilet paper at the walls until they stuck, or the fact that I was just now noticing said toilet paper and according to the kids, it had been there for a couple days. I am slightly vertically challenged, but still, how could I not have noticed globs of papier-mâché drying on my bathroom walls?







As with most of the messes made in this house, Notme was responsible for this one. Even Jackson and Clayton (my prime suspects) agreed that Notme did it. One of these days, I'm going to catch Notme in the act.

Sunday Sound Out

From Chicago, home of the biggest ball of mud (It's in my backyard. Really.), it's your host, the woman who bravely donned a bathing suit in public in order to take the kids to the pool, Dawn Meehan!

It was Savannah's birthday on Tuesday and it's Lexi's birthday tomorrow, so I had a joint party for them on Saturday. For the first time in nearly 16 years, I didn't make their cakes. I feel like such a slacker, but I've gotta tell ya, after I placed my order at the bakery, the knot in my stomach disappeared because I knew I'd just freed up a good 8 hours that wouldn't have to be spent baking and decorating. I asked them if it would be ok before I ordered the cake and they both said it was fine.

Here's their store-bought ("store-bought" has to be said with great derision) cake:


Yeah, yeah, I think he's dorky too, but the girls like him.

And here's the kind of thing that happens when 10 kids put their heads together. It's a redneck slip-n-slide the kids made out of tarps, plastic drop-cloths, paint cans, 2X4s, baseball bats, and a hose. Yeah, we're classy. Note how it ends on the cement sidewalk. What could go wrong?



The dads, standing around, beer in hand, don't see any problem with it.






It wasn't long before the kids convinced their Uncle Sam to take them up to the store to buy a real one.

And now, answers to your questions...

Dawn, where does that hate mail go, because once upon a little while I sent you some, just to be silly and never got an answer.
It probably went into the giant pile of mail that I never quite get around to answering, Rita. I'm sorry. My inbox is a scary thing.

Wow, what a week! Is Savannah off her crutches? Looking at the picture (cute dress!), you'd never know she recently had knee surgery.
She's technically still supposed to be using the crutches, but I let her ditch them at church that day.

And do you ever stash anything for yourself to do in the car while you're waiting (ten minutes early to pick someone up because the one day you leave on time, there's no traffic, etc.)? I still never remember to bring something to do.
I've always got my iPhone with me so I play solitaire or Scrabble or read mail, or I just recline my seat, close my eyes and hope I'm not snoring or drooling on myself when my kids and/or their friends' parents walk out to my car.

I'm sorry but Chicago is not going to win. I'm a die hard Flyers fan and I have been since I was 2 years old. Let's GO FLYERS!!
Uh yeah. What's the score? Who's up in the series? What was that? The Hawks, you say? Oh yeah!

You know, before reading about your great adventures downtown, I thought, "Man! Dawn is looking great!" No lie. I really thought that. I can't believe he didn't hit on you! You're looking fantastic!
It's smoke and mirrors. (And strategically cropped photos.) But you're my new best friend!

Dawn, when you call yourself fat it just makes those of us who really ARE fat feel fatter. You're not fat, sweetie, you have a few extra pounds that proclaim, "I created and gave birth to six beautiful children." You carry them well and you should be proud.
I've learned it's all relative. I had a friend who would complain when she was carrying around an extra 5 pounds. She was a size 3. I used to roll my eyes. But the thing is, those extra 5 pounds really bothered her. She wasn't comfortable when the scale went up. Her clothes didn't fit the same. Yeah, to a person who has more than 5 pounds to lose, it sounds ridiculous, but you can't make light of another person's weight struggles just because you may have more to lose than they do. It's all relative.

Honestly.. WHERE do spoons go?!?
With the single socks.

All of my sippy cups end up looking that way. The part that sucks? My kids are clearly going to use sippy cups until they go to college. Sigh.
:::raising hand::: Here too. Honestly, Brooklyn is perfectly capable of drinking out of a regular cup, but since she doesn't eat and subsists on chocolate milk and ketchup, I let her walk around with a sippy all day. What can I say? She's my sixth. I've given up.

Do you ever take the kids to the drive-in?
I take them to Sonic, America's Drive-In, just because I'm addicted to the strawberry limeade. But as far as a drive-in theater, I don't know of any around here. I guess I'm more of a RedBox girl. Which reminds me, if I don't return Extraordinary Measures soon, I'm going to own it. It was a good movie, btw. It has Brendan Fraser. Yum. Based on a true story. Harrison Ford as an eccentric scientist.

And speaking of Sonic... A few of you may have read on Facebook where I was complaining that my van smelled like onions, feet and funk. Yeah well I found the source. It wasn't Jackson's hockey equipment like I originally thought. I mean, his pads smell nasty, but that wasn't the source of the stink. It was a stink that had a life of its own. And it was from...

old strawberries stuck to the lid of a cup, AND


a moldy orange peel, AND


a couple jalapenos and a cheddar pepper, AND


a bag of onion rings. Yep, it's been in the 90s here. Onion rings. Week old onion rings. In a 90+ degree car.




decomposing onion rings in the heat of a closed-up car


I don't know how I didn't throw up while taking these pics. Do you see the lengths I go to for this blog? Getting sick again just thinking about that smell. GAG!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Extreme Catch and Other Games of Summer

Now that summer has finally hit in Chicago, my kids have been living outside from the moment they get home from school until the moment I force them, kicking and screaming call them inside to get ready for bed. They spend every spare second playing in the yard, running around like wild dogs, and making up games. Their favorite game to play is called "let's disassemble the swingset and prop the slide up against the house, then hook the garden hose up so it sprays all over the slide and the kitchen windows, then we'll try to go down this wet and very precariously-placed slide until we break our arms, or until mom loses it and yells at us to stop, whichever comes first".

That fun game is usually followed by the kids walking, dripping wet, into the house and tracking mud all over my floors just so they can get something really important like a plastic dinosaur they can throw down the slide repeatedly until they get bored and they whip it on the roof of the house.

Another fun game they play entails throwing a basketball as hard as they can at each other. This is followed by two or more kids running into the house and crying about their injuries. Finally, the famous who started it conversation begins.

They also play a great game wherein the dump out every bin of toys, skates, baseballs, mitts, and water guns onto the garage floor. The toys must be left there for at least 72 hours.

One of my favorite games they play is Extreme Catch. One person stands in the front of the house and one stands in the back. They lob a baseball back and forth over the roof of the house to each other. Fun.

Another game uses a bag of pretzels, some dishes from the house, a piece of leftover pizza, a doll, a toy camera, the case from a Barbie DVD, and some dental floss. I'm not really sure what they do with these items and how they use them in the game, but I'm sure that every one of these things is an important component of the game. I think the object is to make sure all the items end up in the sandbox.

I can't wait until school's out so they can stay outside making up games ALL. DAY. LONG.

And Then the Ogre Ate the Gum Drop Fairy

I'm blogging at Chicago Moms Blog today. Check out "And Then the Ogre Ate the Gum Drop Fairy" HERE.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Dirt, Dishes, and Birds



These are the dishes I found in my backyard yesterday. Not on the picnic table. Nope. These were in the sandbox, by the swingset, under a pile of dirt, on the garage floor, and in a tree (Clay was trying to make a nest for the birds with that one). I guess I should be happy that Clay put a bowl in a tree for the birds. It's certainly an improvement over last year's bird escapades... Or the time before when he put a makeshift "cage" (a roller skate) on a robin so he could keep it as a pet.



Actually, there was one more sippy cup out there, but it held the toxic remains of chocolate milk that had been in the cup for days or weeks in 95 degree weather. It was tossed. Then the garbage can spontaneously burst into flames.

Now if anyone could find the rest of my missing spoons, I'd really appreciate it. Any ideas? Anywhere they might be? Anyone?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sunday Sound Out

From Chicago, where the Hawks are about to win the Stanley Cup, it's your host, the woman who ate an entire pineapple for dinner last night, Dawn Meehan.

Yes, yes I know I've been MIA, but I have a good reason. I haven't been out of my van for more than 5 minutes all week. Ohmygosh, I live in that thing!

A few highlights from the last couple days...


Savannah had her confirmation yesterday.


I recorded my essay from See Mom Run on Thursday. Ugh, Thursday was such a crazy day. I ran around like a mad woman all day, taking Brooklyn to the doctor, picking Lexi up from school midday because she had a migraine and was throwing up (I made sure she was done puking before bringing her home, of course), Savannah's band concert, going downtown to record this. Anyway, I took the L (cuz I'm an expert now) and got downtown and there were no cabs in sight. None. So I pulled up the address on my phone and started walking, following the GPS signal. It was a 2 mile walk which isn't that big a deal except I needed to be there in like 10 minutes. I'm old. I'm fat. I can't run 2 miles in 10 minutes. I can't run 2 miles in 2 hours. I can't run 2 miles. But somehow I managed to walk 1 mile very briskly before hailing a cab. When I arrived, I was a lovely vision. If an old, fat woman, covered in sweat and huffing and puffing is lovely, that is. The owner of this studio was a highly cute Greek guy (who may or may not have been half my age). Oddly enough, I didn't have to beat him off. (He must be gay) Anyhoo, when I read the piece for the 84th time, I had finally caught my breath from my little jog. Can't wait to hear what it sounds like.


Jax "The Wall" Meehan! His team played their last game in 95 degree heat yesterday. He stayed in the goal for the whole game and they won 8-1. I believe they finished the season in first place. Now for the play-offs!




The other night I was out (I can't even remember why! Taking Savannah somewhere, I believe.) Anyway, I asked Austin to get the little kids ready for bed while I was out. When I came home, I found that he'd not only told them to put their jammas on and brush their teeth, but he'd read to them and made up special beds for them because they "were too scared to sleep in their own beds."

Austin put couch cushions on the floor at the end of his bed and made up a space for Brooklyn to sleep. Can you tell where Clay bunked down for the night? On the floor of Austin's closet, which I'm sure was much more comfortable than his own bed. @@ Goofballs.

OK, now to answer this week's questions.

Question, does Joe's child support not come directly out of his paycheck through the county clerk? I thought that is how it was done these days?
Well, I now have a court order so that it will. He still doesn't pay his half of out-of-pocket medical expenses, school fees, or extracurricular stuff despite the court order. He doesn't answer emails about it either. Sigh, I'm so tired of going to court over stupid stuff.

I still don't think I understand "AP human geography". Are they drawing maps on each other's bodies?
No, they're drawing humans on maps, silly.

Okay not sure if you have ever talked about this on your blog, but what did you do for your son's first lost baby tooth? I am thinking a note from the tooth fairy and $5. After that it is $1. What did you do and what do you think?

The tooth fairy in these here parts pays a $1 a tooth (unless, of course, she forgets about it for a night. Or two. Or three. Or a week. And then she takes out a loan and leaves a big ole guilt offering.)

I've been reading you for a while now, and DOH!, I just put it together that your kids come in pairs! Did Austin and Savannah do goofy things as a team, like Jackson and Lexi did, and Clay and Brooklyn do? I can't imagine the hi-jinks that two "great" minds can come up with. I am surprised daily by my ONE kid!
I don't remember Austin and Savannah getting into too much. Either I've blocked it out of my mind, or they weren't too adventurous, or (most likely), I was always around because I didn't work and only had two kids so they never had time to get into anything.
Oh wait! I take that back. This is courtesy of Austin and Savannah.

I love the hate mail section. How do you come up with this stuff?
Actually, my most awesome web designer, Kelli, came up with my hate mail form! :)
Now, on to another fun-filled week where I meet myself coming and going. Time to make the donuts...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Time Out From Your Regularly Scheduled Humor

OK, a few readers have emailed me and left comments like these this week...



Anonymous said...
I am not trying to be mean or judgemental, but you never say anything about disciplining your kids for negative behaviors that need to change. When kids do stuff like Clay and Brooklyn they are seeking ATTENTION! Which means you need to step up to the plate.




First off, if you want to send me hate mail, you really need to go through the proper channels. In the future, please use my hate mail form HERE. Thank you.

Secondly, I don't ever say anything about what I dress myself in every day; do you think that means I walk around naked? I don't say anything about what I feed my kids for dinner every day; does that mean that I let them starve? Because I don't waste everyone's time by going into the boring details of discipline, doesn't mean that discipline doesn't exist. Understand?

However, to satisfy the curiosity of non-mean readers, here's my MO when it comes to discipline.

1. Whenever possible, I let the kids experience the natural consequences of their actions. For example, Jackson got mad one night, threw a fit, and whipped his iPod Touch (that he bought with his own saved money) across the room, shattering it. Now he doesn't have an iPod. If he wants another one, he'll have to save up a lot of money over a long period of time.

If the natural consequence will endanger the kids, of course, I have to go to Plan B. If one of them runs into the street without looking, for example, I'm not going to let them get hit by a car in order to teach a lesson.

2. When natural consequences aren't safe or feasible, I try to apply logical consequences. If I find that one of them was using their phone during school, I'm not going to make them clean the bathrooms; I'll take away their phone for a period of time. If someone has made a giant mess, then they need to clean it up.

3. Consistency! I think it's super-important to say what you mean and mean what you say and be consistent about it. Don't tell your kid they're grounded until they're 30. You're obviously not going to stick to that one. I mean, who wants their 30-year-old still living at home, pouting in their room without TV or phone privileges? If you take away a privilege from your child for a week, don't let their incessant begging wear you down and make you go back on your word in four days.

4. Teach! The biggest part of discipline is teaching appropriate behaviors. Yes, following up and punishing for infractions is part of disciplining, but in my opinion, a bigger part is teaching expected behaviors to begin with. Not only tell your children what you expect of them, but model those behaviors yourself. I don't attempt to control my kids. You can't control them and even if you could, why would you want to? What happens when they get older? Who's going to tell them what to do and control them then? Their peers? No, you want to teach them the skills they need to make wise decisions. When they mess up (and they will), you apply appropriate consequences, making THEM responsible for THEIR decisions.

6. Lighten up. Honestly, I have the advantage of having a fairly wide age span between my oldest and youngest children. I write stories about Clay and Brooklyn getting into stuff all the time now. Just a few short years ago, I wrote stories about Jackson getting into stuff with his sidekick, Lexi. Ask any of my friends. It was all about the messes they made and the crazy stuff they did. And guess what. Jackson and Lexi don't come up with all the goofy experiments and messes they did a few years ago. They're older. They've learned. As will Clay and Brooklyn. I'm not about to go postal on them every time they make a mess or do a crazy experiment. They're kids. Kids do goofy things. They learn by exploring. They LEARN by exploring. And with redirection, unconditional love, appropriate consequences, patience, and a SENSE OF HUMOR, you'll all survive and thrive.

Do I do all those things perfectly? Heck no! I'm human. There are times when I let something slide that I know I probably shouldn't simply because I'm too flipping tired to deal with it. Are there times when I get unnecessarily mad over some trivial thing? Heck yes! I'm not perfect. I do the best I can with what I have to work with.

Are you happy now, Clark? See how boring that was? That's why I don't write about discipline. It doesn't make you laugh. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog about the goofy things kids do that don't really matter much in the long run.

I Cheat at Candy Land

I'm blogging at Chicago Moms Blog today.
You can read "I Cheat at Candy Land" HERE. I mean - go and read it here now! And leave me a comment because I live on that kinda thing. That is all.
Thank you!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday Sound Out

From Chicago, the city that's bi-polar when it comes to weather, it's your host, the woman who has had a headache for 4 days now, Dawn Meehan! And now, answers to this week's burning questions.

But I do have a question for you (SSO??)...are you going to keep your married name or change it back to your maiden name.
I haven't decided yet. Believe me, I don't want to be associated with that family anymore than I have to be, but there are my kids to consider, and my writing, so we'll see. Maybe I'll go with Dawn Damalas Meehan.

Are your books ever going to be available for Kindle?
Hmmm, good question. I'm not sure. I'm going this week to record my essay from See Mom Run because that's going to offered in an audio version. I'm looking forward to it!

oh dear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!can we send you some more vegemite to have with that paper sandwich!!!!!!!
Now that's just mean. What did I ever do to you?

Will having the kids out of school and done with sports for the summer make your life easier or harder?
Ohmygosh easier! No more homework. No more early mornings. No more driving all over the world to get them all to their games on time. No more eating dinner at 4:30 or some other crazy time in order to get everyone to their games. No more weekly phone calls about how Austin's failing every class he's in. No more having to wash gym uniforms in the wee hours on Sunday night/Monday morning. No more having to drive Savannah and her crutches to/from school, and dealing with the IDIOTS other parents in the Kiss-N-Drive. I'm counting down the days more than the kids are, I think.

And does this life change mean you no longer are required to go camping?
You betcha! Why do you think I got divorced in the first place?! (Kidding, just kidding. Hafta joke or cry, right?)

How did you get the weatherbug button on your blog?
I went to Weatherbug.com, clicked on widgets, put in my zip code, and C&Ped the code into my blog. Now everyone can see when I'm freezing my butt off at a baseball game when it's 50 degrees. Don't be all jealous now.

They are adorable, I'll give them that, but...what about consequences for their actions? [Brooklyn & Clayton's powdered sugar mess]
Oh is that what I'm doing wrong? I have to apply consequences for bad behavior? Well, that explains a lot!

Happy Mother's Day! What a sweet bunch of kids you have...love the pics :) I wish I could take such great pictures...what kind of camera are you using?
A Nikon D3000 I'm still learning how to use it. I passionately hate reading manuals. I don't learn that way. I need a camera person to show me firsthand how to use it.

How in the word do you find out what people google to get here?
I use statcounter.com. I can find out keywords people have googled, their IP, ISP, location, how many times they've visited my blog, what pages they've looked at, how long they spent on my blog, their favorite flavor ice cream, and what they were wearing while they were perusing my blog.

AP Human Geo test - What on earth is this???
According to Austin, it's the abhorrent putrescent human geo test. According to the school, it's the advanced placement human geography test. If he does well enough on the test, some colleges will offer advanced placement and/or credit for it. If he doesn't do well enough, I'm out the $86 for the test and Austin will have to learn how to say, "You want fries with that?"

So have you done this [pictures] for all your kids with all their birthdays if so until what age? Sso question?
Yep, I had pictures taken for all of them in the hospital, at 3 mos, 6 mos, 9 mos, 1, 2, 3, and 4 years. After that, they had their pictures taken at school. I only missed Clay's 9 month pictures which isn't too bad considering I have six kids.

These are absolutely adorable. Where did you have the pictures done at?
JCPenney. The photographer had me sign a release so she could submit the pictures in an effort to get them included in their book.

Does she [Brooklyn] like having her picture taken?
LOL! Uhhh yes, yes she does.

sso: since joe has withheld child support, have you had to go back to official employment?
Well, since I still have little ones who aren't in school all day, it makes that kinda hard. I didn't go to college and don't have a degree or any real skills. Whatever I could make, would go to daycare. In fact, I'm afraid I'd end up with a deficit. But, the really cool thing is that every time I start to worry about how I'll pay this bill or make enough for that, another writing job will pop up. Seriously, every time I start to feel like I won't be able to make ends meet, I get offered a writing job that pays my bills. Somehow things keep working out. And, of course, I know everyone is going to preorder my new book so it hits the NYT best seller list and makes me plenty to live on, right? ;) Just shameless begging a helpful suggestion from me to you. Amazon's got it HERE! Just sayin'

Friday, May 14, 2010

My Baby

It's a ballerina!

It's a cowgirl!



Nope, it's just Brooklyn.



I love how these pictures turned out. Of course, I had to let her pick out her clothes for the pictures so I'd have an accurate memory of her four-year-old self. And the pink boots - well, they were a given.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Too tired to write tonight. Have to be up before the sun (and humans should NEVER be up before the sun unless they're just going to bed at that time) to get Austin to his AP Human Geo test at some insanely early hour.

But if you left a comment on my review blog for the $200 Visa gift card from Arm & Hammer and BlogHer, please check my blog. I'm on the third winner of the yet unclaimed prize. You can check HERE.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Another Edition of Wackadoo Googlers

It's been a really long time since I checked my stat counter and took a look at the psychotic interesting things people have googled that have landed them on my blog. Here are a few of the many weird searches people have done that have brought them here.

my mom doesn't call or visit
And this is a problem because...?

My son pees and poops without his underwear on the potty
Ummm, congratulations?

why does my six pack disappear after dinner
How did you manage that? Mine hangs around and makes messes, asks me for stuff, and gets into more food.

how come you can only see two of my six pack?
The other four are in school?

why did i pee my pants at the gym?
I could be wrong, but it was probably because you had to go to the bathroom. Oh yeah, and exercise is evil.

love my kids but they're wearing me down
Join the club, my friend, join the club.

cheap sleep six suites disney world
Fun tongue twisters for the whole family!

what do you do when windows movie maker has xs where the pics are supposed to be
Cry, throw the computer across the room, or start all over again.

she grew a mustache
Are you sure her brother didn't just color her with marker?

sit in a bath of vodka to get drunk
Inebriation by osmosis. Hmmm, interesting theory.

funny word for mom who gets their child to clean their room
Miracle Worker?

when you are bored blog
I think I'm a little offended that my blog came up under this search.

lazy laziest mom wife momma
Now, I'm really offended!

my yearly rectal exam site: blogspot.com
OK, I take back what I said about the last two searches!

blog funny awesome woman mother
Now that's more like it!

do matchbox cars flush down the toilet to septic system
No, no they do not. They do, however, necessitate the removal of the toilet to get them out. Just sayin'.

i don't know the real author of this but it is what my mother and father always said to all seven of their children
That's me! That's me! Because I Said So!

she is not going to bring her kids to my house is she?
Hey now!

THE FOLLOWING ARE SEARCHES THAT MAKE YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN WONDER

can a little girl have the same name as her mom

does zoo's smell?

bzzing masquito's biters?

but, and, because, or, so

because of my body langwage my persanality not look ok

igaday

THE FOLLOWING ARE SEARCHES THAT NEED 90% FEWER WORDS

time to come out, he told me & i said i'd only been in for 6 minutes & he said that's not true. you've been in the whole day & i shrugged & said all i could remember was the last 6 minutes.

when my toddler vomits up whole milk and it is chunky and looks curddled

i want to color my hair, it has a tendency to turn orange and brassy if i lighten it, what can i do

im looking foor an ear of drie and shucked ear ofcorn that i can download on my computer


AND FINALLY, THE FOLLOWING SEARCHES ARE BLATANT ATTEMPTS TO BE MENTIONED ON MY BLOG

giving dawn meehan something interesting to find on her google

how to make a google list on dawn meehans blog

bat poop brought me here dawn

Monday, May 10, 2010

Happy Mother's Day (And Other Disasters)

I hope all the moms and mom-like people out there had a nice Mother's Day! I sure did! The kids planned the morning secretly and I honestly had no clue what they were up to. I went to church with Brooklyn, Lexington, and Jackson while the other three stayed home. Savannah had slipped Jackson some money before I left for church so Jackson could buy me a corsage. (My church always sells these for Mother's Day.)

He gave it to me and said, "I know you don't really like flowers, but here." Yes, yes, I admit that I don't really like flowers. It's not that I dislike them. I'm just not big on them. I'd rather that people not spend money on something that's going to die in a few days. And if you give me a plant, I'll just end up killing it within a month. Really. I kill air plants. They just need air! I kill them. Yeah.

But, even though I'm not overly fond of flowers, I love, love, LOVE the thought behind them and that's what counts. So I pinned on my corsage and wore it proudly.

When I got home, I walked in the door to see the table set with a pink tablecloth. Clay had set the table while Savannah made French toast, cheesy eggs, and crescent rolls. How sweet are they? Austin slept the whole time. Five out of six isn't bad, right?

We had breakfast and then I told the kids that for Mother's Day, I wanted them to cooperate and let me take some pictures of them. I loaded up the kids and drove them out to a little wooded area a few towns over where I snapped some pictures.




They were awesome and let me take over 200 photos! Yeah, I know; it's a sickness.

We ended the evening with grilled chicken I sort of, a little bit, burned and a Dairy Queen run to make up for the sort of, little bit, burned chicken and peppers. I went to sleep with a smile on my face because I'm so blessed to be called "Mom" by six awesome kids.

But alas, payback was just around the corner.

Today, Clayton and Brooklyn, my partners in crime mischief, made up for being so good yesterday. While I was talking on the phone and sifting through paperwork in my room, they were making themselves a snack.

"Mom, can Brooklyn and me have a waffle?"

"Sure. Do you need help?" Stupid question. Stupid. Yes, of course, they need help! You always go help them in the kitchen. Always. Those two are not to be trusted around any kind of small appliances. Or utensils. Or food. Or condiments. Or toiletries. Okay, basically, you just can't trust them and you are stupid if you choose to ignore that fact.

I was stupid.

I heard the water running full-blast in the kitchen sink.

"Turn off the water, guys! Hey! Clayton and Brooklyn! Turn off the water if you're done with it! Hello?! TURN IT OFF!"

I walked out to the kitchen to see the water running into the sink. No kids were in sight. I started heading in the direction of the giggles only to stop dead in my tracks.


Yeah, that's a waffle covered in half a pound of sugar. It's also a full cup of some nutritional supplement I've had in the fridge for years. I bought it to give Jackson some extra calories back when he was on medication that curbed his appetite big time. He thought it tasted like sewer water and so it sat in the fridge. Until today.


Not quite sure what prompted them to pour soapy water on the plate o' sugar.

I was too angry at this point, to take pictures of the floor. And besides, I could hear the bathtub faucet turn on, so I slammed down my camera and took off for the bathroom. Four kitchen towels were dripping wet in the bathroom sink. A pile of discarded clothes was on the floor. The two hooligans were climbing into the tub. I remained calm and collected as always as I gently asked, "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TWO DOING?!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! DID YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO DUMP HALF A POUND OF POWDERED SUGAR ON THE TABLE AND FLOOR? WHAT'S WITH THE KITCHEN SINK OVERFLOWING? WHY THE WET TOWELS IN HERE? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?????"

To which, I received my standard answer. "I dunno."

Deep breaths, Dawn, deep breaths. I threw my hands up and ran back to my computer where I pulled up these pictures from yesterday.


Clearly, this is why God makes little kids so darn cute. So we don't kill them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you haven't yet, check out my review blog. There are a bunch of winners listed there who haven't claimed their prizes yet. See it HERE.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Can Fly!

Because I stay up until 2:00 or 3:00AM most nights, I'm oftentimes tired in the morning. Yesterday, after I got the kids off to school, I put on a movie for Brooklyn and snuggled up with her in my bed where we vegged out. At some point, I drifted off for a bit and had the most awesome dream. It was a flying dream. I used to have flying dreams often as a kid, but I haven't had one in probably more than 30 years. I started by taking big steps where I kind of hung suspended in midair. I felt like an astronaut walking on the moon. I wasn't exactly flying, but I was certainly defying gravity. I did this for awhile and I just knew in my dream that I could fly if I wanted to. I knew that all I had to do was move my arms a little and will myself to go higher and I could. So I did. It's the most exhilarating feeling - flying. You can soar above everything. You can steer yourself in whatever direction you want to go. You can see everything below that you've left behind; everything that you're flying over.

When I awoke, I was in the best mood! I mean, I'd just flown! I knew it would be a great day. How could it not, right? What could possibly go wrong?

So I showered and played with Brooklyn a bit before picking up Clay from kindergarten. Late. Oops.

Then I got Savannah from school, gave the kids some lunch and drove to Savannah's ortho appointment. She was told she'd need to use the crutches for another 5 weeks and then the doctor would "negotiate" with her about what she could and couldn't do. She was less than happy.

I got home in time to pick up the other kids from school. As I waited for them to get in the car, I realized I hadn't eaten anything yet. No wonder my stomach was growling.

I got home, started the kids on homework, read some email, and took a couple phone calls before I realized it was time to drive Savannah to confirmation. Ran out the door while shouting instructions for Austin to mow the lawn and for Jackson to warm up some leftovers for everyone.

Dropped Savannah at confirmation. Hit the grocery store with Brooklyn. Drove home, threw the cold stuff in the fridge and shouted some more instructions over my shoulder for the kids to put the rest of the groceries away, then ran back out to pick up Savannah.

Still haven't eaten. So hungry I could chew off my hand.

Drove Savannah home, quickly changed out of my jeans and t-shirt momwear, made myself a sandwich with a wheat roll, lettuce and 2 pieces of cheese (What? It was quick), and shouted yet more instructions as I left to go to the wake for my best friend's brother who just lost his battle with cancer. I started scarfing down the sandwich because I was starved. I'd eaten half of it before I thought There's something wrong with the lettuce. Why is the texture of this lettuce so weird? I just bought it. That's so strange. I can hardly chew it! I opened the roll to throw the lettuce out when I noticed there wasn't anything wrong with the lettuce at all. There was a piece of paper between the 2 slices of cheese. I'd eaten half a piece of paper. This is not the way to get more fiber in your diet! Really this is just another reason why you shouldn't go all day without eating. And clearly, flying dreams don't predict an awesome day.

picture from kashyap_hc's photostream

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Tuesday Sound Out

I never got around to Sunday Sound Out because my car broke down while I was on the other side of the earth with all the kids. Ugh, that's another story. But here are answers to this week's questions.

How is Savannah doing?
We just got back from the doctor this afternoon and she was very upset to learn that she'll need to stay on the crutches for another 5 weeks at least. She was hoping he'd tell her she could throw the crutches in a bonfire. On the bright side, she's doing well as far as pain goes.

Congrats on the lovely looking book! Can't wait to read it and buy one for my pregnant niece (or should I wait to give it to her after the baby comes so as not to terrify her?!?)
Ummm...about that..... Although newly pregnant, first-time moms will enjoy the book, I think those of us who have already gone through pregnancy and delivery a time or two will find this book especially funny.

LOVING the broken tile under the scale! How funny. Now, should I see it as a sign, seeing as my toilet seat just recently broke in half...?
HA! Hmmm, no, blame the broken toilet seat on the kids. They probably did something to weaken it. (I think that picture of the broken tiles was taken after I got off the scale.)

Love the cover. Pre-ordered. Can't wait. Does working for almost 45 years to lose the "baby-fat" count as trying long enough? Just asking.
FORTY-FIVE years? Oh, you should've given up long ago and made yourself a big ole plate of nachos!

I love reading your blog, but one question why do you have a high chair? Your baby is not that kind of baby anymore. Just wondering.
Yeah, well, I don't have enough chairs for my table. It's either the high chair or an over-turned garbage can.

Do you have any ideas or tips on spring cleaning?
Wait til fall.

So how does nail polish remover work on plastic anyway?
I was supposed to clean it?!

How is it all going with the divorce?
Let's see here. Joe doesn't agree with the judge's recommendation and is taking the matter of the house to trial. He wants to force me to sell now. When asked, "Where will your kids go? Do you want them living on the street?" his standard response is, "It's not my problem." He also owes several thousand dollars in child support. In fact, the last check he sent bounced causing me over a hundred dollars in fees. And, of course, he still isn't involved in the kids' lives, doesn't see or talk to them (other than when he runs into them at work), and hasn't spent time with them in four and a half months. I've had a really positive attitude all along, believing that things will somehow work out. But last night, for the first time, I broke down and cried. The unknown sucks. Seeing your kids hurt sucks. Paying lawyer fees sucks. Worrying about money sucks. Having a husband who acts like this sucks (although, on the bright side, it's solidified my decision to file for divorce.)

OK, I can't end this post on such a um, sucky note. So, here's a Clayism. Today, at lunch, Clay said (all shocked-like), "What is on my pants? What on earth is this stuff on my pants?! Ohmygosh, it's poo! I have POO on my pants, Mom!"

I was completely grossed out at the prospect of his pants covered in poop. How did he get poop on his pants? Is it his? Did he roll around in dog poop? What the heck? I turned to look at him and saw this...



It's brown Play-Doh. And Clay's a punk.

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Walk in the Park

On Friday, I picked up Clay from school and took him and Brooklyn to the park for a little picnic. I had stacks of work on my desk. I had dirty bathrooms, filthy windows, piles of laundry, and unmade beds at home, but I didn't care. Wait, that's not quite true. I cared. I cared and the insane part of me was up to my eyeballs in guilt for letting it go. But the logical part of me knew the work would still be there later. The work will always be there, in fact. But my little ones won't always want to go to the park for a picnic with me. It was beautiful, warm, sunny, and breezy - a perfect day for an impromptu picnic and a little playtime outside.







Put aside the work and chores one day this week and surprise your kids with a picnic!
They'll thank you.

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